Where Their Love Lingers
by OutOfTheConfinesOfFear
Summary: It started with love story that he never even saw before but that she got lost in every time. It turned into a plan with a perfect ending, no beginning and no in-between bits. "Her voice came out throaty and smoky and so entirely honest and enthralled that he inhales it and it tangles up in his lungs. She has done it again. She will never stop surprising him and she has no idea."
1. The love story he didn't see

This story was inspired by Castle, the little bench in the secret garden in Notting Hill and the little thought that ran off somewhere in my mind, the little thought that I chased.

The bench in the movie says: For June who loved this garden – From Joseph who always sat beside her. (If you have not seen the movie, you should probably do so, not for this story but just for yourself… it's a good movie, that's all).

Only have a lot love for these characters, no ownership rights.

* * *

"Seriously, Kate? Really?" Castle chokes out.

She would never stop. He was as sure of that in this moment as he had ever been. She would never stop turning him upside down like this. Every moment was like standing on the shore and turning your back to the raging ocean, trying to make your way back to dry land. You're thinking you still have all your other senses, you will hear its roar and feel it tugging at you, pushing you forward and pulling you in and you know its motion, you know its rhythm, its direction, the way it moves but you should have kept your eyes on it, you needed them all, all your senses; you should have been looking because somehow, even with all your senses finely tuned to its sound and movements your feet are pulled from under you and a wave crashes over your head, flips you upside down, or maybe it throws you sideways, you can't really be sure but all you know is you had your feet under you, you were firmly planted in the ground and now you are under water and you have no idea which way is up anymore. You're bearings are stolen and you're drifting, clutching and kicking, flailing really, and just trying to figure out which way is up.

"Really? Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD… really?" He needs her to answer, because he is flailing still, just trying to get his feet under him again because this is too much, she'll never stopped doing this, just flipping him over and leaving him, a drowning idiot, trying to find the way up again.

Beckett huffs out a breath and then puts as much sternness into a "Get over it, Castle!" as she can muster, adding on an accompanying glare and thinking she must have failed miserably when Castle's face morphs from stumped stupidity to childish amusement. Knowing she failed miserably when his boyish grin stretches into a full blown smile because this isn't Detective Beckett, this is Kate. She wasn't standing tall and strong, face-to-face with him and brandishing her death glare, no, this was Kate, his Kate, looking up at him through a fan of dark lashes, her head resting in his lap and her hand clutched tightly around the remote, stabbing at the pause button and pursing her lips to trap the smile that was threating its escape. Faux exasperation seemed to be the way she was going to go with this though, rolling her eyes and releasing an excessively exaggerated sigh for good measure.

When his smile split wide open and burst into more baffled laughter, Castle let his words just pour straight out, foregoing his brain-mouth filter that seemed to be gathering dust in the back of his mind these days and just let them fall as they may in a pile of half-finished thoughts and sentences, but she would get it, she always got it, even the words that cracked and faded into his gasping breaths, "I just… I can't Kate, I mean it would be like me putting on… Oh, I don't even know, I don't even have a good example Kate, I can't even think of anything, you just, I just didn't - "

"It is not that funny Castle, seriously can you just get over it!" She cuts off his hysterical rambling because really this was not even funny, there was nothing even remotely amusing about this, except maybe for the fact that he found it so funny, that may have been remotely amusing but she is not that girl. She is not that girl who will laugh just because he is laughing and his laugh, just his laugh is enough for her, she is not that girl. She tells herself she is not that girl. Now she is laughing though, laughing with him, because his eyes are squeezed shut and crinkled around the edges and he really has no say in that because his cheeks are bright red and pushing them closed and his lips are curled around his teeth and his head is thrown back and he is sucking in ragged breaths that get kicked back out far too quickly to actually be doing anything and he really finds this hilarious. So she laughs because yes, maybe she is that girl now, but only with him, she is only that girl with him because it is only his laugh, only his laugh that is enough to break her.

He feels her shoulders shaking with laughter against his thigh and it makes this so much better, it is so much better that she knocked him over, flipped him upside down but got tangled and thrown with him. It makes him laugh harder and this is actually painful now, his chest is clenching and his stomach is twisting and he can hear himself now, not so much a laugh anymore but breaths that honk as they are dragged in. He thinks he may just die right here because he was mid honk and she snorted, she actually snorted and it was the cutest damn thing he has ever heard but his eyes flew open and he looked at her and her whole body shot up before it doubled over next to his. She was clutching her stomach and gasping in breaths and really it wasn't even funny, this whole thing was not even funny but he was honking and she just can't, she can't. It hurts. He looks at her and her body is trembling and the little fly away hairs on the top of her hair sway with the movement and then she pulls in a breath and it squeaks, it squeaks and he is gone again. Slowly they come down together, looking at each other and catching their breath both sets of eyes betraying that fact that just beneath the surface the laughter is bubbling up again. She settles though, pushes it down because this is not even funny. She settles first and he is almost there, she can tell he is almost there, his breathing is evening out and his body is starting to slump with relief but the laughter is threating, she can see him replaying it behind his eyes as they sparkle with unshed tears but she needs him to settle. She leans over and places a soft kiss on his lips, lets her lips stay settled against his as she breathes slowly now, forcing him to catch her breaths and take up the slow rhythm, calming him down. His eyes close and he breathes with her, body draining and shoulders slumping and then filling up with just her. He pulls back slowly and looks at her. She catches his gaze and it knocks her back a little bit, even now it still knocks her back a little bit because his eyes are still swimming but it's love now, just love and even now, sometimes, its knocks her back.

She clears her throat and smiles shyly at him and he loves that, he loves that she's shy, if she gets thrown off or overwhelmed, she is shy and that knocked him off his feet too once, that knocked him right over but now he sees it coming, because its him, he does that to her and he knows now, knows when she will smile at him like that. It settles somewhere deep that smile and he thinks he may be collecting them somewhere, wherever that is, that deep place, he thinks he can feel it but it's a little illusive, he remembers them all though, those smiles, and he must be keeping them somewhere because that deep place gets heavier, warmer, every time he puts one away. Those smiles keep him grounded and now she is shy and he thinks he has to explain, he's not sure why, because she laughed, she laughed with him and she is smiling and he is not sure why but he thinks he has to explain, he just needs the right tone, he has to get this right, he doesn't know why but it is important and sometimes his instincts are stupid but he is lost now so he opens his mouth and hopes the right tone comes out because he doesn't know.

"When I said lets watch a movie you have seen a thousand times I did not at all expect this Kate. I mean really, Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, I just can't get over it!" It comes out light and teasing, like that kiss never happened, like she didn't just teach him how to breathe again, like she didn't just see the way he loves her. It comes out light and teasing like she is still pretending to be annoyed by his childishness, like she should just roll her eyes and carry on.

She does; she rolls her eyes and carries on and he lets out a breath he hadn't realise he had locked up because he didn't know, he still doesn't know why it was important but he thinks it was and his instinct was a little less stupid than usual and she rolls her eyes and carries on. "Seriously Castle you are driving me insane, do you want to watch the movie or not?"

"Yes, Kate, I want to watch the movie." Castle replies with his most falsely innocent of fake serious faces, patting his lap and nudging her hip with the hand he had snaked behind her.

Falling back to her previous position and squirming around to face the screen in-front of the lounge, nose nuzzled into his grey sweat pants, she rubs her cheek against the soft material, settling in, and she realises that they are the sweat pants that she wears more than he does now; they smell different now, they used to smell like him but now there is a little bit of her there too and that warms something inside, pushes a smile up from wherever it settled because it's a strange kind of intimacy really. Her legs are spread out across the lounge cushions and his hands have settled over her hair and waist, familiar and heavy, safe. She pulls in a deep breath and releases it in a heavy sigh, body melting slowly as it leaves. She feels a mirroring sigh rush out of him as the tension leaves his body and his hands become a little heavier over her. It's quite now, still between them and she speaks softly, because it's different now.

"Notting Hill is a good movie Castle, I'm serious, it really is one my favourites and yes, I really have seen it about a hundred times."

He is quite too now, because it's different now. "No, I know Kate; it's a really good movie, come on, put it on."

Kate lifts her body, arching enough to pluck the remote out from beneath her and presses play, throwing the remote onto coffee table and shifting back, grabbing a hand full of his sweat pants as she settles in. She watches the movie scenes that have rolled past her eyes so many times intently and her mind is already flashing the next image out from her memory and making her smile and laugh a second too early. She waits every time for the little twitches of his muscle, the curling of his fingers in her hair or tightening on her hip and the short laughter that puffs over the top of her head: all the little things that tell her both he and the movie have caught up with her.

Her head is jostled and bumped up out of his lap as his laughter snaps straight through him and gushing out in a harsh escape. She pulls herself up and sits next to him, smirking and shaking her head because he just radiates joy, feels it so deeply and so simply and she loves that, she loves it. He looks over at her and grabs her knee, an apology, but she just smiles a little wider, shows him that she loves him, she loves him and he takes it. Then he adds, "Sorry, sorry but I gotta see that again, oh I have to see that again!" Reaching forward and snagging the remote from the coffee table he quickly rewinds and replays Hugh Grant slipping from the fence as "Oopsy daisy" echoes out through the lounge room, followed hotly by another burst of Castle's harsh laughter. He shakes his head and looking at her says "Oh my god Kate, that's me, that's me and you" chuckling as he looks back to the screen and his laughter slowly dwindles into little individual noises and breaths before dying off completely.

She is still beside him though, he can feel her watching him, so he turns to cast a quick glance over there thinking she will duck and pretend that she was not just caught staring but she doesn't falter, just continues to watch him intently and so he breaks her free with her name a soft whisper in the air "Kate?"

She clears her throat and looks at him through her now more focussed gaze and coughs out a "yeah, um, yeah… you, yeah Castle it's like you and me." She says it and she is trying to be light, he can tell she was trying for light, because it is really, he thinks it is but she doesn't actually sound light and he is about to ask why when she keeps going and this time it comes out light and teasing and little bit flirty he thinks, even though it's not a flirty comment, actually he should be slightly indignant he thinks but he's not because she quirks an eyebrow and he takes it as flirty, because she is cheeky and hot as hell and he was worried but he has forgotten now because she continues, "actually I think I have even heard you say oopsy daisy". She flashes him a smile before settling back into place as she feels him chuckle beneath her.

The movie rolls past her now, a goofy man and beautiful woman, a kiss in a forbidden garden, and his thigh flexes under her cheek because of course he loves that part, of course his body betrays him and responds even though he was trying to hide it, but he is a sap and they both know that, he loves a love story. She hasn't seen the love story she has been waiting for yet though, her heart doesn't start pumping harder until she sees the bench, it doesn't clench tight and her breath doesn't falter until she sees the bench. The beautiful bench in the private garden and her chest tightens and so does her hand fisting in his sweat pants. Of course he notices, of course he feels it, of course he asks. "Kate?"

She's in the movie now, completely lost in its beauty, like she is every time she sees that bench and her response is pulled out of her without the chance to filter it, it slips out at the end of a hum from deep in her throat like it's the end of that same contented thought, "… it's my favourite part, the bench… it's my favourite part. I mean a whole life together Castle, and this beautiful piece of it is left in the garden they loved, a little piece of who they were and the life they created, left there for others to absorb, to take with them or get lost in, you know? That bench, it's an entire love story in itself. It's an entire love story and even though you don't really know it, you think you know it; you want to think that you know it. It's my favourite part."

Her voice came out throaty and smoky and so entirely honest and enthralled that he inhales it and it tangles up in his lungs. She has done it again. She will never stop surprising him and she has no idea she has done it again, stunned him and amazed him and now he is just flailing again and she doesn't even know, she can't even feel it beneath her because she is lost in the beauty of a love story that he never even saw. She's incredible, she's right, it is a love story and it is the best part. The bench is the best part and she's right… it's beautiful. It's an entire love story.

He is still upside down he thinks but he can't be sure because he doesn't know which way is up anymore. They are watching the movie and Kate is laughing lightly, just single little breaths that puff out and shake her chest and so he laughs too, lightly like her and he thinks he is laughing at the right times, he thinks he is, but he can't be sure because he doesn't know which way is up.

Kate rolls over and she is looking up at him, her brow crinkled as she regards him and she is confused, she looks confused and he is an idiot because he was laughing with her. Of course he wasn't laughing at the right times, he is an idiot because she has been laughing to early since the movie started and he knows that or at least he knew that before she pulled his feet from under him again because he turned his back, he turned his back and he is an idiot because of course she pulled his feet from under him and of course he wasn't laughing at the right time. He was laughing with her and it was the wrong time and he knew that, he knew that and he's flailing again and he doesn't want to reach out and grab onto her to right himself, he wants to find his footing alone because she doesn't know, she still doesn't know why he is flailing.

She can see him flailing though; he is a drowning idiot… again! He needs to right himself and it's her, it's always her. She is the way up and he needs to know. "What do you think the story is?"

She shakes her head and her brow dips lower as she tries to follow his train of thought, he's lost somewhere, she knows that, but she doesn't know when she lost him, what thought he has gone running after. He has been laughing at the wrong times, the detective in her jumps up and down and so she starts there, she starts with the lead, puts in on the time line. Oh, she has him now, the story, the love story; that is where she lost him. She considers the question then but comes up short, she knows the story, she told him she at least thinks she knows the story but maybe she doesn't really, maybe that is why she likes it, the not knowing, it could be anything that way. She should tell him that, she thinks she should tell him that but it is stuck somewhere and all that comes out is "Huh?"

"The, uh, the bench, you said you know the story…" He prompts awkwardly because he didn't want to reach out and grab hold of her, he wanted to put his feet back down alone but he can't, he never can, she needs to steady him and she does, she will.

"Yeah, I… yeah sorry I got it, I got the question. Just I, you, I am still in the movie so give me a minute I gotta find my words." She stutters through her response as she drifts back into this world.

He chuckles at that because that knocked him off his feet once too, the way she leaves and lives in a story. She is like that, extreme in everything, doesn't do halves, can't do halves, always lives and breathes and feels in extremes and he knew that. He had followed her around watching her get sucked into every case and living there until it was over, until she got to the ending. She wouldn't eat if he didn't break her focus, break the haze, and put food in-front of her, she wouldn't sleep if he didn't bug her to leave the precinct, she wasn't even in the same life as anyone except him at those times because, well because he was the only one who jumped into the story and lived there with her too. He chased after her as she chased after the ending. He knew that, but he was still surprised when it wasn't Detective Beckett living in a case but his Kate, living in a story, a movie, a novel, still chasing after the ending, losing herself completely. It surprised him and amazed him and when his feet were back under him after that one he set foot running after her again.

He had broken her haze now though and she knew what he needed, knew how to pull him back to her and bury his feet back in the sand, keep him steady, so she told him what the story was, or more so, what is wasn't.

"I guess, um, well no, I don't think I know the story actually, I think that I don't know the story but that is what makes it beautiful because it is secret, to them, to those two people who shared their life in that garden, it holds their secret but other lovers can still be there and feel it and be let into a little piece of their secret too I guess. I don't know how to explain it because it is not like they are actually let into the secret of that love, because it's not that either. I mean, they are not let into the secret because that secret and what that bench means and what those words mean, they were her words, you know? From him. Yeah, they were her words from him and they mean something to those two that nobody else will ever truly understand, because it is theirs, but the love, a piece of that love has forever been left in that garden, you know? I don't know Castle, it is just beautiful." She throws it out there in an untidy ramble but she always does this, always rambles because he startles thoughts out of her, catches her of guard and looks at her like he needs the answer, like only she can give him the answer and so she just does this, just throws it at him in a mess and he has to unravel it. He has to figure out where all the words were meant to go and how they were meant to flow together, but he gets it every time because he knows the real flow of her speech the way she pieces things together to make them make sense. So he puts the words into the melody she usually sings and it makes sense, the words make sense when he hears them how she meant them to sound. She sees the moment it all falls into place but he looks confused still, like something is still tugging at him and so she waits, because it will pull hard enough soon and he will spit it out at her and then she will throw something back and she'll wait until his face relaxes and she knows that it is over, that he is back with her and grounded and she can jump back into the story.

It comes soon enough, "You know what I keep wondering… Do you think that it was only that bench, do you think that is the only place?"

It takes her a minute to go back again, find out where he got side-tracked and ran of the path, but she gets there soon enough, understands the question for what it really is, and like she knew she would, she throws the answer back in some kind of tangle. "I don't know, I guess that is part of the mystery of it, part of what draws you in because you only get a moment of their lifetime, you only get a little glimpse, but they had the whole thing, the entire love story and maybe it is all over the place, little pieces of it everywhere, or maybe that really is it, just one bench and maybe that is enough really, maybe that says it all. I don't know, it could be more than the bench or the bench could be more than what we see in it. I just, I don't know."

He takes that, she sees him take it, untangle it and lay it in a straight line, lift up some words and drop others until it looks like the sound wave she meant it to be and she thinks he is going to accept it. He does accept it, but he adds something to it, adds one last point to make her understand why he is still a little bit lost, why he thinks he may be lost. She doesn't think he is lost though, not really lost, just taking the scenic root back onto the path and that's okay she thinks because he is always taking the scenic root, tugging her along a strange and wonderful side-track or letting her go and running alongside her until they meet at some end point together. "Yeah, it's pretty cool it's just that I don't think you could put it all in one bench you know, a whole love story, I think it is too much for one bench, like maybe that is just one little piece of the love story and there are really bits of it everywhere."

Like she thought - the scenic route. She lets him play there though, because he will meet her back on the path again, he is making his way back, so she lets him figure it out. She thinks it is the story that has caught him, the potential love story that could have led to that bench, she thinks that he is off in his head writing out that story, chasing all the little threads as they unravel and that's okay. She is going back to the movie and he will play quietly there in his story until he meets her at the ending, when the stories they are lost in end, both hers and his and it is just them sinking back into this life.

She thinks he is lost in the story, the one he is creating but he's not, he's not lost in that story, he is lost in _theirs_. In their love story… it wouldn't fit on a bench.


	2. The sparks of an ending

The movie ends and she turns over again, looking up at him through sleepy eyes. She can feel the contented face she is wearing, knows she probably looks like some sappy teenage girl who believes in fairy tale endings and she hates that, because he loves that, loves that she is that girl sometimes. He loves it and she hates it, but she can feel what her face is doing and it seems to no longer be listening to her brain so she lets it go. Too tired now to force her face and brain to communicate and get over this little tiff they seem to be having. The haze starts to clear though and she can see him plotting something. He is still in that story he ran off with and he is plotting something now and she has a bad feeling so she tries to startle him out of it, make him spill it all in a shock induced confession.

"CASTLE!"

He does startle and it almost slips out, he looks like he is going to say sorry and that makes her even more concerned, because why was he going to say sorry? What has he been planning up there? He doesn't though, he just shakes it off and plasters this ridiculously false innocence all over his face before he lets out a pitiful "What happened?" as though she actually frightened him and should be feeling bad right now. She feels a little bit bad and then she realises she almost fell for that pathetic move because his face has betrayed him and gone back to mischievous, because he thought he had her, thought she fell for it and his brain let his face go too fast. Liar.

"Don't even try it, Mr Castle. I can see it all over your face, you are thinking something, something you should not be thinking and I want to know what it is, so spit it out. Now." It is her interrogation voice and he likes that and she pretends she doesn't know.

She used her interrogation voice though, and he likes that and he knows she knows he likes that. He likes that and she was trying to distract him, trying to get him worked up so that he misses a step and slips but sometimes when he throws her interrogation tone back at her, she is the one who misses a step. So he does, he throws it back, "You really want to know what I am thinking? Because Detective Beckett, you are right, I was thinking something I should not have been thinking. You are absolutely right." He husks the words at her and stares at her like he honestly believes she is going to crack and he is pulling her up so she is face-to-face with him, only a breath apart and sitting in his lap. He has her. He thinks he has her now and even she thinks, for a split second, that he really might, but then she bites her lip. She bites her lip and he knows he doesn't have her; she had him all this time.

It's whispered now and seductive and she says it as she climbs off him, her fingers trailing over his chest, snagging and pinching the fabric of his shirt before dropping it back to his chest as she slides away. "I'm sure, Mr Castle. I want to know exactly what you were thinking…"

He is swallowing hard now and he is not sure who even started this game or who is winning, because when she looks like that and sounds like that and stares at him like that, he doesn't think he could ever be the one losing, no matter which way it went. She's coming closer again now, stalking towards him and he is definitely winning. He is definitely… "Ouch… not winning!"

It's broken. It was hazy and steamy and she was about to devour him and he was winning and now it is broken and he is shooting up and grabbing his ear because she was leaning in and then she pinched. She pinched.

"Not winning?" She asks, amusement lacing her tone, because he must have said that out loud and she is smirking too because now she knows that he thought he was winning and it all happened so fast.

She's laughing now and he loves her laugh, even now, he loves her laugh, but he isn't laughing because that was definitely not at all funny and he will tell her just that.

"That is not funny. Not at all funny! You are an evil, evil woman, who teases her prey."

She laughs more now and he doesn't know why because he thinks he knows what he said and he is pretty sure it came out right and it is not funny so he doesn't know why she is laughing. She is laughing because he is looking at her like he actually can't believe it and the stunned impression on his face is just so genuine and to top it off, now he is all huffy and it is cute, it is just so cute because he thought he was winning. Now he is huffy and she has to kiss him. She has to.

He is still stunned and she likes it, she like this because when he is stunned he is a little more pliable than usual, she can push him and pull him and he just falls into her. So she pulls him by the front of his shirt and slams her mouth onto his and its rough and demanding but that is what he needs, because he is huffy right now and it'll take a little encouragement before he gives in. He likes to be stubborn about it; she thinks that's cute too. He does give in, but he is still huffy and he wants to win now because obviously he thought he was winning. He grabs her hips and pulls her flush against him and she gasps into him because he is actually handling her now, because he was winning and she was mean.

She breaks away from his mouth and drags a breath in as she pushes her whole body closer, tightens her arms around his neck, lifts onto her toes and buries her body in his. She bites down on his ear and her voice is low again, thick and heavy when she whispers just for him, "So really, Mr Castle, what were you thinking?"

She almost had him too, his mouth was about to start moving but then he realised she had done it again… evil. He pulled back and smiled at her, because she is the one looking stunned now, she thought she had him and now he is smiling because, no, she did not get him that easily, almost, and a good try too but no, he kept pace, didn't slip.

She wants to kiss the smile straight of his face because he is smug now and well, he should be really, because she gave it a pretty good shot and she almost had him. He hums though, low in his throat and he looks at her like he has her now, he has her and she is about to forget whatever it is that she just asked. She thinks she has forgotten already because he says, "I think I would rather show you exactly what I was thinking Detective" and she doesn't know what that means, that doesn't make any sense and he is smiling again; he knows. She can't make sense of it and he knows. She hates that smug look now.

He is about to bundle her up while she is still dazed, grab her quickly before her thoughts can drift back but her spine stiffens ever so slightly and her lips quirk up at the ends, and he missed his chance, he missed the window of being able to pick her up and run, he missed it because he was busy being smug. She's back now. Her thoughts are back and he is little bit scared, which is silly but he feels a little bit scared. She looks dangerous now… never poke a sleeping bear they say. He never listens. He should listen, because now she looks grizzly and he is a little bit scared.

Her hand on the back of his neck tightens and her nails graze his skin, she pushes further into him and she is purring now and he tries his best to catch the words but the way her mouth is moving fogs up his mind and he can't really filter the sounds. Her mouth twists into a smile and so he knows he missed something, tries to catch what the sounds were again and then he hears it, "You won't be showing me anything, or seeing anything, or feeling anything at all, Mr Castle. Not until I hear what exactly it was that you were plotting in your head over there, what it was that was all over your face and why you almost said sorry."

He is cold then, because she is gone in a flash and there are only warm streaks on his neck where her nails made the quick escape with her body. She is looking at him and smirking because she knows he is about to spill, and he is, he's about to spill because he wasn't thinking things that he shouldn't have been thinking, not really, but then she brought it up and now he _is_ thinking those things, and it was just a game but now he really does want to show her and he thinks he can still win.

She lets herself down though, she moved too quickly and now he is cold. It hit him quickly and it cleared the fog she had built and he almost spilled, but then he was cold, she almost won, but she moved to quickly. He goes for innocence again, crosses his arms and mirrors her, but her head is held high and triumphant and his head is dropped low because he wants to looked crushed, thinks he might get some pity that way, because she didn't kick his puppy, no it is worse than that, he_ is_ her puppy and she just stepped on his tail. That's what he is going for, anyway.

"I don't know what you are talking about. I wasn't doing anything, we were just watching the movie and then you yelled at me and then you made me think things and then you took them away."

His tone is so soft and broken and she hates herself but she wants to pull him close again, she wants to give in and then she really looks at him and his head is down and she is not stupid, she knows him. If he really was crushed, his head would not be down, if he was really crushed he would be falling now and he would have clung to her with his broken gaze. He would be trying to hide the hurt but not hide his gaze, because he tries to mask it when she crushes him but he needs her most in those moments, he still needs her then, and he has to see her, has to look at her and that is what hurts them both the most. He needs her most in those moments. His head is down now, and he is a liar, and he is playing the game well tonight, because he isn't looking at her, which means his gaze isn't broken, it's waiting to burst back into smug when she breaks. So she doesn't and she wants to laugh because she almost did and that is just ridiculous. He is playing well tonight, she will give him that.

She stays there though, waits him out because silence is his weakness. He always gives in. Has to look up and read her face, read her body when she doesn't offer him words and when he does, when he does look up she will meet his silly, lying gaze and he will give up the act, he will laugh with her because it was a lame attempt and it almost worked and they both know all of that. He does, he looks up and her quirked, disbelieving eyebrow, that says _Oh ha ha, yes Castle, good try_ breaks him and he laughs. She laughs now too because she played well and he played well and nobody won but it was a good game.

They're smiling at each other now and it's genuine now. She asks again because she wants the truth, she really wants to know what he was plotting and it's genuine now so he probably won't slip back into silly and lying and thinking he might just win.

"Seriously though, Castle, what were you plotting? It was all over your face so don't pretend it wasn't, don't tell me a lame lie that you know I won't believe because I know you and your voice is saying you're innocent but your face is saying it all, you should see your face Rick."

She is still smiling and he isn't going to lie because she saw it already and she knows him, she does, and also, because he became Rick and she became Kate and its serious now. So he can't hide now, she found him already, but he can't tell her because it's not a silly game, it's not some silly surprise or something he thinks he may be able to trick her into. He does that. He does that all the time, because she plays with him. She plays with him and they trick each other and sometimes they both win. This isn't like that though, this is a plan, a good plan, a perfect plan and it's for her. Of course it's for her, it's always for her and he wants to get it right.

He thinks it's perfect but he was too excited and he skipped to the end, he wasn't going to say 'sorry'. He was going to say 'shush' because it's important, this is important and he was working slowly backward because he got too excited and skipped to the end. He was going to say 'shush' but he stopped because she knows him and she would know then that it was serious because he only ever says that when his thought needs to be strung out and it has to be just right. He only ever says that when the thought or the plan or the words or the story, is for her. He only ever quiets her down when his mind is about to be overloaded with her and he has to get it right, has to keep it quiet to get it right and she knows that. They fought about it once, twice, and now she knows that, because she is Kate Beckett, and nobody shushes Kate Beckett. That was the fight, but she saw his honesty when he said that sometimes there was just too much of her in him and he gets overwhelmed and then he loses the thought and it was for her, the thought was for her and its important and so he can't lose it, even if he loses it to her. It didn't make sense even when he was saying it but she heard it and she took it because he loves her and she knows how he loves her and she got it. He gets to shush her now, not often, but he gets to do it and nobody else can do can that, but she gets it and every time he shushes her, she leaves, gives him space from her because she is in his head and he is getting overwhelmed and then he straightens the thought, catches it and gets it down, and then he goes after her. He goes after her then and kisses her softly and it's an apology and gratitude and love in one and she takes it, and she goes back to him then too. She would have known, so he didn't say 'shush'. So she didn't know that it was serious, that it was for her, because he didn't say 'shush' but he did get overwhelmed and so she played the game because she usually wins. She usually wins.

She is stunning and she is asking him and its genuine now because she knows now, she knows it wasn't silly because she played well tonight and he didn't fold and so she knows it's serious because if it wasn't, she would have won. It's serious, it's important, it's for her, and she can see that now because he is standing in the lounge room, head down, and he is smiling… it's her smile. It's his smile for her and he is plotting again and she is still nervous and she wants to know. She is serious now and so is he, but he can't tell her, because it's perfect and he wants it to work and he can't tell her.

She looks so stunning right now and he is amazed at how she went from soft and sleepy, to sexy, to slinky and smoky, to harsh and demanding, to taken, to seductive, to smug, to alluring, to cocky, to light and bubbly, to serious, to this beautiful honest creature in less time than it took him to figure out she was playing him; she amazes him every time. She makes him slow though, especially when they play like this; quick and dirty with no rules and trying to make the other trip, especially when all they end up doing is keep up with each other and dance this beautiful toxic dance, he gets tired when nobody slips. He is exhausted and he can't lie, because now she knows.

She was right though, she is always right; he has a plan or at least it is becoming a plan and he thinks it's perfect, he just hopes next time he can close his mouth before it actually does fall out, because she tricks him all the time. She's too fast and he's too slow and she is always right. He hates that.

They always walk into these battles together, both tall and strong and ready to duel but when they walk out _she_ is always strutting out smugly like the cat, you know the one with the canary, and _he_ is always stumbling after her, trying to find his jaw like the idiot who just landed on his stupid face. He hates that… he loves that. He doesn't even know, but he thinks that it is not healthy that he loves that so he hates it. Yeah, he hates that.

He has a plan though and it's not stupid, it's perfect and he is smiling now too. Because their love story wouldn't fit on a bench and he has a plan. He knows how it ends, he just needs to get the beginning and all those middle bits, but he has a plan and it's perfect. It's going to be perfect.

She was smiling and now she's not because he doesn't answer and she is about to launch into a new battle, see if she can find a weak spot, get him on his knees and confessing. She is about to, but when his head snaps back up to her, his eyes are dark.

His eyes are dark now and he isn't playing anymore, he is stalking towards her now and it isn't a game. She doesn't get to battle him now, she doesn't have a chance. She is his now. She is his and whatever he has been plotting makes his eyes dark and hungry and now she is not so worried and a little more excited and she still wants to know but she can't play anymore. He is not going to let her play anymore, now he is looking at her and he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to play, he is not going to dance around anymore. She is his and it's a dark thing now and she knows how this is going to be.

Her face cracks into a smile as he stalks towards her and wordlessly grabs her hips, launches her into his body and she wraps herself around him, her arms crossing behind his neck and legs behind his back as his move knocks the breath out of her and he growls, he always growls a little bit and she doesn't think he knows that he does that. It is one movement, he is swift and stable, and he ploughs straight through her, picks her body up on the way and keeps walking towards the bedroom like she is part of him. He just takes her sometimes, and she always knows when it is going to be like this. She has never let anyone take her this way before, but his eyes get dark and suddenly this thing between them that is mostly light now becomes dark again, like how it was, like when it started. He is not playing now because she really is his. She is, and that has never been a game.


	3. It starts with a fight It's perfect

This story is a little bit like the plan it holds inside, it started in my head with the ending and these middle bits are just falling where they fall, it is all leading to the ending though. Inspiration hits randomly, and often at the worst times, but this first little middle bit was inspired by the person who knows me best. I forgot who I was once, got overwhelmed by all the things I have to be, but I was reminded. Someone reminded me.

Side-note: This is my first attempt at sharing words and it is scarier than I thought, so thank you for reading and thank you for being safe place to start, for keeping my words safe.

* * *

It was just a bad case and she came here, she did come here first, and that is good, but it turned into a fight. He wasn't there today, he wasn't with her today; he was at home writing and avoiding Gina and thinking about Kate and trying to be writing. He heard the door click shut and it startled him, not because it slammed or was even remotely loud but because it was off. Something about it was off, it wasn't the way she usually closes the door and that's pathetic that he knew that but he did and he can't help that now. He waited for her to come through the office like she always does, always heads straight for the bedroom, through the office, making a pit stop at his desk, at his lips, then at the safe and then off to the bedroom. He waited. She didn't go through the office though, she went through the other door, the other door that she only ever uses when it's late and he is not in the office. His light was on in the office and he knows she would have seen it through the bookcase walls but she went through the other door and something was wrong. He stood up and tried to make his way into the bedroom at a pace that seemed a little less pathetic, a little less panicked than it really was. He found her on the bed; work clothes and shoes and gun and badge and face down on the bed like she only just made it there, like if she had gone through the office it would have meant a few more steps and she wouldn't have made it, she would have been face first in the carpet. It was a bad case.

He wasn't sure what to do here because it had been a long time since a new Beckett came home, one that he wasn't sure about and he couldn't remember how he used to approach these new versions of Beckett when he found them. He hadn't found one in so long. He thought slowly and quietly was best. He walked over to the bed and lowered himself down next to her, her body bounced and rolled towards him but he got nothing, no response. He carefully reached out a hand and pulled her hair from her face revealing one open eye that swivelled up to look at him.

"Hi" he whispered, because he was being gentle, something told him to be gentle.

A grunt is what he got from that.

"Tough case?" still whispered, still something told him to be gentle.

A huff and a small nod is what he got from that. He thinks there may have been a lone tear too but she twisted her head and her curtain of hair closed up again before he could catch it. He thinks there might have been a tear.

She closed up, shows over, everybody go home.

He stood slowly because now he was really being gentle, very gentle, because she closed up, she went back in her shell and when she is like this she startles easily. Fight or flight responses kick in but Kate Beckett has always been extraordinary and so when everyone else's body does one or the other, fight or flight, Detective Kate Beckett does both. She is a fierce creature, this Beckett, and she closed up. She doesn't like to be cornered, she gets fast and vicious when she is cornered and she had cornered herself now. She cornered herself but he would still be the prey, somehow, he would still be the prey. She is extraordinary in every way, and he loves that, it just doesn't end well for him sometimes. So he was gentle, very gentle, thought he may have been able to get out of it alive, even though he was not sure what it was. He was at the door, going back to the office, letting her come out of the corner on shaky legs with shifty eyes, that's the best way. He was at the door and he whispered an, "Okay, I love you" because it was and he does.

A far too shaky inhale, a shudder and a choked exhale is what he got for that. It definitely was a tear then that he thinks he could have caught. She was crying. He left anyway, because she was in a corner and it wouldn't end well if he crowded into the little corner too. So he left. She would come out.

It wasn't long. He hadn't been writing long, when she came out of the bedroom and looked at him. She was in leggings and a loose purple top then, the one he stretched at the back because he was chasing her through the kitchen one day and she is fast and he grabbed on, but she is fast, and now it is stretched. He barely heard her, he thought he did the right thing, he thought he got it right because she was quiet now and a little shaky, she was coming out. He caught her gaze though and he swallowed hard because maybe he didn't, maybe he didn't do the right thing, because he hasn't found a new Beckett in a long time and he wasn't sure, he forgot what to do. Her gaze was too bright and too open, it's wasn't swirling and dark and twisted like it has seen everything it has seen, it was too bright and open and empty like it was pretended it had seen nothing. He swallowed hard and waited because he was the prey again and this wasn't going to end well. Gentle was wrong. He should have crowed into the corner so that she couldn't get out like this. He should have just buried her in him so she could remember; her eyes would remember what they had seen. He should have.

"Castle, I'm going home okay?" – Flight.

"What? Kate, no."

"I do not want to fight about this, I am just going home." – Flight.

She said she didn't want to fight, but she also said home, she said home and so she doesn't get to not fight.

"Excuse me? Look, Kate, I don't know what happened and that's okay, that's okay with me if it is okay with you but you don't have to go to your apartment Kate, you shouldn't, you should just stay here and I will leave you alone Kate, I can do it, and I will if that is what you want. Stay Kate, just stay."

"This isn't a discussion Castle." – Flight. A little bit of fight coming through but mostly still just flight.

"Well you at least have to tell me why then Kate."

"I don't _have_ to tell you anything." – Oh. Fight.

"What the hell happened today?" – Gentle was wrong the first time, it was wrong. So, fight. Fight.

"Nothing!"

"Kate, why are you doing this? Really, why are you doing this again? Just tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened! Again? What do you mean again?"

"You know what again means Kate. We are not going back there again, we are not!"

"Castle, nothing happened and I am not doing this! I am going home." – See. Fight _and _Flight. She's extraordinary.

"Oh really? Nothing happened but now all of a sudden I am face-to-face with a Kate Beckett that I have never met before?"

"Yeah well, that is just the problem, Castle."

She does that, she does that all the time. He says something to her and it makes sense to her, his words make sense to her, and he feels so stupid because he is the one who said them, they are his words, but _he_ is the one who doesn't know what they mean. He doesn't even know what he said, because what does that mean? What is the problem? He missed it. He misses it all the time.

"What?"

"Castle, this isn't even about you, I love you, I do. I just walked in here tonight thinking, what the hell am I doing? Do you have any idea what that feels like Castle? To walk around thinking you have no idea what the hell you have done with your life, and not even just that but also why, why? I just can't Castle, I have to go home."

"Kate, what does that even mean? Do you not, do you not want to be here Kate, is that what you are saying?"

"No Castle, I don't know, I don't know what I am saying or thinking or doing, I just have no idea!"

"Just don't do this Kate, don't start doing this again. Just stay."

"I just… just let me go home Castle okay?"

He looked at her eyes then and they were set. She was exasperated and she was going home. He learns slowly sometimes but he does learn and he knows when the fight is just going to get loud, very loud and still go nowhere, because her eyes are set now and she is going home.

"Okay."

He was broken. His shattered gaze was pinning her down because he was crushed and he didn't want to look at her but he had to. He had to, because he was crushed and that is when he needs her the most. He had to look at her because he needed her, and that is what crushed her, but she still had to go. So she whispered an "I love you Rick, I do" and then turned and left. He needed her. She didn't know who she was anymore. He needed her.

She's not even angry at him, she's not angry at him, he tells himself that. It was just a tough case and she loves him, she still loves him. He tells himself that too. She didn't run away, she's not hiding the way she used to, she's better, she _is_ better now. Just a few more things he tells himself. He believes all those things, he isn't convincing himself, he believes it all and that's the last thing he tells himself. Only he is not so sure, he doesn't feel like he is sure even though he wants to be. She's not angry at him, that part he believes, because this wasn't about him, it wasn't about him and he is trying not to make it about him, but she isn't here anymore. She was here, she was here and then she cried. She cried and then she left, back to her apartment, she went back to her apartment and she called it "home" she said she was going "home" and she hasn't called it that in a long time now and it still isn't about him. It's still not about him but she's not here anymore and she called it home and so now it feels like it is a little bit about him. He thinks he is allowed to make it a little bit about him, because this is home for her, he knows that and he thought that she knew that. They didn't talk about it, but they don't talk about anything, they still don't talk about anything but not because they can't, not because she'll run and he's too scared to risk it, they just don't talk because he knows her and she knows him and he thought she knew this was home, he thought she knew that. So yeah now it is a little bit about him too because she is not here and he is and she should be here, she should be home. Maybe they should have talked about. He doesn't know what's happening. What happened.

She gets home and she shakes her head because it is cold here and she can't remember who she is or why she is and she thought that it would be warmer here. The case wasn't even that horrific, well not any more so than the ordinary, it's always a little bit horrific. Nobody said anything to her, nobody did anything, she wasn't even lying to him before; nothing happened, nothing that she can blame. She wishes she had something to blame. She doesn't, she just got overwhelmed she thinks, with the loss, with the fact that she goes to work every day and surrounds herself with everything that once was something and then in an instant just turned to nothing. She only ever gets endings and tragic ones at that. She only gets to see shattered shell people and what the world stole from them to make them look that way. She used to feel something, she thinks she did, she used to be there with purpose and drive and she thought she was doing something, but today she was there and it was just a heavy emptiness and so now she doesn't know. She lost sight of what it was she felt, she thinks she used to feel something. She doesn't know who she is and why she is. She doesn't know and she thought it would be easier here, easier to get away from everything, distance herself so that it was quiet and empty and all that would be left would be her and she would be able to see it then, who she is. She got here though and it's colder than she thought, but she is here now. She is here now and she broke him and he needs her. He needs her and so she needs to find herself again so that she can go back, she can go back, because he needs her.

She has a bath and drinks some wine and reads some words. His words. Always his words; because she misses him, she does and also because he knows her and he wrote it all down. He knows who she is and his words will put all those little things back in her eyes. He knows her and he wrote it down and that reminds her sometimes. Except now, now it is not reminding her, it's making her ache because she used to see it, before tonight she could see it, in all his words, she could see who she was and how he found her. Tonight though, tonight it just aches because the words are there but she isn't sure anymore. She can't see it. So she doesn't read anymore. She gets to the bedroom and just throws on something warm, she's not sure what, but it's warm and she throws it on and falls into bed. She wants to cry, she thinks she wants to but she has nothing left and so she breathes. She just breathes.

He is still at his desk and his mind is tripping and stumbling and mumbling now, it's not making sense now. It wasn't about him so that means it was about her and she doesn't do this anymore, she doesn't spiral and then fly away. She doesn't, and now he is sitting here and he is trying to find the right piece. Trying to find the piece that makes this make sense, because she doesn't do this anymore and something has to make sense but his mind isn't speaking clearly now, it's mumbling.

He tells himself again that this isn't about him. It really isn't about him, it's her and something is wrong and it wasn't just a tough case. It's something, it's her. That clears his mind a little bit; it takes 'him' and 'us' out of the noise and leaves just her. It's still fuzzy now but he is starting to hear it all a little clearer. Less mumbling now. He replays the conversation, he said he doesn't know this Kate Beckett, never met her before and she said that is the problem, but she said it wasn't about him and it's not, he believes her. It's not about him, but that's the problem. This Kate Beckett who was here today and the not knowing, that is the problem. Oh, that is the problem. He doesn't know and neither does she, she doesn't know. It's stupid really though, because he does know, he does know because she is Kate, _his _Kate and he does know, even now, when he doesn't really know, he knows.

He gets it now, she doesn't know, she doesn't know and that is the problem. He gets it now and her too bright and too open and too empty gaze makes sense because she doesn't get it. He saw that, he saw it straight away that her eyes were pretending that they hadn't seen what they had seen and he saw that, but it didn't make sense, it didn't make sense then and so he let it slip away because he didn't realise that that was the piece. That was the piece that would make this make sense. It makes sense. She doesn't know. She can't figure it out, she tried to clear everything so that she could figure it out and she doesn't know who she is, just like he didn't know who this version of Beckett was because she tried to clear it all away and he needs to give it back. He needs to give it all back so that she can see it. He'll give it back.

He thought that he hadn't found this particular breed of Beckett before but he was wrong, he was wrong, because he has seen it before but he didn't see the signs because she the curtain closed and he couldn't see her eyes. The eyes were the piece he needed, and he couldn't see them. He would have known, because she said to him once, years ago, when she was still recovering, still trying to work it all out, she said to him:

"_If I don't do this, I don't know who I am" _

He could see her eyes then and they were too bright and too open and too empty because she couldn't remember what she had seen, she couldn't remember, and so she didn't know, and so he told her. He told her who she has always been. He had met this version of Beckett before but her eyes; he couldn't see her eyes this time. She thinks he doesn't know and she doesn't know and now she is drifting, she is drifting because she can't see it but he can. He can. He knows her, he does, even when she doesn't know anymore, when she is not so sure anymore, he knows her and he is sure, he is always sure of her. He just needs to show her, needs to give everything back to her, put all the little bits back in her eyes and its perfect now. It's the beginning now.

The plan. It's perfect now. It has to start now. She has forgotten about the plan, he knows she has, because that was months ago and right now she can't remember anything because she cleared it all away and so she has forgotten that months ago he was plotting and he never answered. She was asking and they were playing and then weren't playing anymore and it was a dark thing again and he never answered. He never answered and she has forgotten, but it's perfect now.

He didn't want this to start with a fight. He didn't want this to start with a fight because he knows where it is going to end already; the ending was written before the beginning and he has never done that before, never started at the end and stepped backwards, but this isn't where he would have started. He's stepping backwards from the ending now, he thinks he is, but he has never done this before so maybe he can just leave it written and instead of working backwards to chase down the right beginning he can just pick a point. He can just pick a point now and work towards the ending that's waiting. Maybe he can just keep going from this random point and then connect the dots until he hits the ending and when he looks back, pulls the thread he laid down, the whole story will be there and unravel and the ending will be perfect. He knows the ending will be perfect, he wrote the ending first. He has never done that before because he has never been so sure about anything before, never been so sure about how he wants it to end, he has never done this before, but the ending is ready, he sees it clearly.

He knows the ending and he didn't want _that_ ending to have _this_ beginning. He didn't think he wanted this beginning, but now, now it seems kind of perfect. He thinks it is because, okay, it's going to start with a fight, but maybe the fact that it starts with a fight is just perfect, because they started with a fight. They started with a fight and it's perfect. It's perfect.


	4. The Bench He starts with the bench

This chapter is a long one but it was twirling around in my head and clouding my vision and I had to wrangle it out last night. I wrangled it all out and I didn't want to only give you pieces of it so here is the whole thing. This is really the first of the middle bits and it may be a few days before I can tackle the next one.

I have mid-sem exams this week but the pretty words for these stories have been speaking louder than the words I need for those exams lately and so now that these words are here and they are yours, now I am going to attempt to fill my head with all those others words that will carry me out of uni some day.

Obviously I am insane and the pretty words are starting to swirl up already but it may be a few days before I get to tackle them. I kind of hope they can give me a few days before they cloud my vision again.

Enjoy and remember that I only _borrow_ these characters because I love them and you love them and we can share all the pretty words for them here.

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She's just breathing. That's it, just breathing as she lies in her bed staring at the ceiling and she thought it would be clearer now; she thought it would be clearer now but she is just breathing. Her chest is tight and there is a weight on her, in her, over her, she's not sure but it is heavy and her body aches with the pressure. Her limbs are tired and limp but under the skin it's twitching, everything is twitching and trapped and heavy. The breathing is helping though, gives her something to focus on because her mind was twisting and threatening without the focus, it was spiralling without the focus and so she concentrates on the way the cold air is dragged in and bellowed out of the vacant spaces in her body. She's breathing. She's angry now too. She's angry now because she thinks that now somebody else would be crying, she tried to cry, somebody else may be sorrowful or anxious or distressed but she is Kate Beckett and what Kate Beckett can't control, those things she can't work out, the emotions she doesn't know how to handle, she turns them into anger. She turns them into anger because at least that she knows she can do. So she is angry now too. She wants to be angry at someone, because she has the anger now she just needs to point it somewhere. She wants to be angry at him, she tries to be, because she is allowed to be angry at him, he is hers and she is allowed to be angry at him. She wants to be angry at him, but she's not. She's not. He's crushed and he needs her and she wants to be angry at him because she can't find herself and that makes no sense, and she isn't angry at him at all. She misses him.

She sighs and she tries to tell herself that she felt her body relaxing, she tries to tell herself that she felt the tension melting away. She didn't feel it, but she tries to tell herself she did. She wishes she did. She sighs and she rolls over, curls into herself and closes her eyes. She focuses again now, on the breathing, she focuses because she doesn't know who she is, she can't see it anymore and tomorrow, tomorrow may she will see. She tells herself that she just has to breathe now and tomorrow she will see.

He knows now that it is perfect. He knows because she said it was their secret, that bench, in the movie, she said that it held the secret of their love and now he knows that it is the right place to start, because it used to be _their_ secret. Before they truly became 'them' in the light she used to let him love her in secret, there, in the darkness, he was allowed to love her and it's their secret. Now is the perfect time for her to see it, for her to see this city again and the way their love lingers there, little pieces of it scattered all over the place. She needs this now. Now he is even surer that this is perfect, because they started with a fight, they started in the darkness and brought this thing to light.

She let him love her there. A tiny little place on the outskirts of Central Park, a tiny little place that was dark and secluded, it was a little place between the shadows and he was only allowed to love her there, in the dark hours and it was secret. It was their secret and they never spoke about it but he asked her and she came and they both knew that in those moments, in those secret moments in the middle of the night he was really asking if she would let him love her and she was really saying yes. It used to be a secret thing, this thing between them, it used to be a secret and it started there, in the darkness. It really all started there, before the fight that brought this thing to light. It started in the dark, in secret.

He knows she hasn't been back there, at least not since they watched that movie, she hasn't been back there in months at least, and he knows she hasn't because she would know, she would know if she had been back there. She would have seen it. This is home now and so he doesn't really go back there, not often anyway, and not to wait for her. But he is waiting tonight. She left and now he thinks he is waiting and so he should go back, he should wait there because she always came; even then, when it was a secret, when she didn't really understand and when neither of them knew who they were and what this was, she always came. It's perfect and he will wait there.

It is dark and the city lights are still there, the city lights are all around but this little tiny place is still dark. The city lights don't look as bright without her, well maybe they are, but he can't be sure because he always saw them through her eyes, in her eyes, that's he how he used to see the city lights. Her eyes used to reflect all the little lights back at him in the darkness and he thinks they looked brighter then. He sits down on the bench now and it feels different… right somehow. He is off the ground now, he is not in the exact same place really because it will never be the same again, not now that they left a piece of their secret love here, and so he likes that, likes that it feels different somehow, like they made it better. It isn't cold, damp grass that he sits on, cramped knees and part hope part despair. Its smooth, solid wood that was built for her and warm blood and anticipation because she will come, she will. He sits on the bench, the one she hasn't seen yet because she hasn't been back here, not yet. He sits on the bench and his heart is beating faster, because it thinks it has to, because every other time he was here it was beating faster because he was waiting, and hoping, always hoping she would come and let him love her. Its beating faster and he chuckles because he thinks it may be a strange type of muscle memory, but he knows that maybe it's not, maybe it's just her, she makes it beat faster, because he is not nervous, he knows, he's not hoping this time… just waiting, because he knows. She'll come. He texts her.

She twists over and grabs the phone because the harsh buzzing on the wooden bed-side table made her breathing stutter and she was focussing on her breathing. Her breathing was her focus and it stuttered and she grabs at the phone because it must be him. Her breathing stuttered.

_I still love you in secret, in the dark, Kate._

It's a story, somehow it's a story, she knows that because he texted her, he texted her and he didn't call and so it's a story and the words matter because if the words are important he has to write them down and so this means something, because he didn't call, he texted. It means something, he isn't just telling her how he loves her because she knows that, she knows he loves her but this isn't just that. It's a story, she just doesn't know which one and why now. She doesn't know and she needs more, he needs to give her more because she didn't know that she needed one but she does, she thinks she needs his words, always needs his words, so she replies:

_What?_

He smiles at that because she got it, she knows that this is important, that he is taking her somewhere with this and she wants to know, she wants the story. She didn't just say I know, because she does know, of course she knows all the ways he loves her, but this isn't about that. It isn't about how he loves her. It's about this city and this place and these nights and how their love lingers here and it's _her_ city. She needs to see that again, she needs to see the city. She needs to see who she is and who he is and how this city keeps their secret. So he gives her a few more words, tugs at her gently to follow the leads, to force her to need the ending.

_I told you how I loved you, every night in secret, every night in the dark, I loved you. I told you once._

She was waiting for the words, waiting to see where his mind has taken him and how she is meant to join him, she's trying to find him again and she was smiling. She didn't realise she was smiling until she felt it fall because she was smiling but now she's not. She's not smiling now because she knows how he got there and she knows it's because of her. She's not smiling now. He does this, with her; he does this because he has kept every single moment somewhere. Every moment he has been with her, he has catalogued it somewhere and he goes back there sometimes, to those moments, he goes back there when he thinks he has done something wrong. When he thinks he went wrong, he goes back there to see where he went wrong. He has every single moment somewhere, every movement, every reaction, every change in her eyes, all of her smiles, he has them all and she knows now that he was searching, he was searching to see where he went wrong, to see what she needed and give her back one of the moments he had kept safe. He didn't though, he didn't do anything wrong and she thinks that he knows that, he knows that this wasn't his fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, he didn't do anything wrong and she thinks he knows that, so why has he been searching and what has he found? She is starting to smile again now because she gets it, she gets it, she was searching for herself and he thought he could help her, he was searching for her because she was lost and he was trying to help her. She gets it now, how he got there at least, but she still doesn't know where he ended up, how to get there and what he thinks he has found. She is smiling, but only for him, she still isn't smiling for her because she is lost, she is, and he thinks he has found her and that is kind of sweet but he couldn't have found her, she can't even find herself, she doesn't even know what she is looking for or what she lost, so he couldn't have found it. She is smiling for him and so she lets him know, lets him know that she is playing, for him, she will at least play for him because she_ is_ smiling, even if it's only for him:

_Yeah, I know, I remember._

She is smiling that means, he knows she must be smiling and it is only a little smile, he can tell it is only a little one. He can see it in his mind, he thinks he can and it's wistful which he doesn't understand, so maybe he's wrong, maybe she isn't smiling because that smile doesn't seem right. That is the smile he sees in his mind but it doesn't make sense so maybe he is wrong. She is playing though, either way she is playing, he knows she is playing now, she took the bait and she wants the story, she wants the story.

Her phone vibrates in her hand, sending tingles in all directions that stop and startle at the end of her fingertips, it is almost immediate and she looks at the time on the messages. Of course it is almost immediate. She spent so long trying to figure out where his mind went, what story it wrote. She spent so long trying to figure out why his mind went there and he was waiting, he was waiting to see if she would catch up and follow; waiting to see if she would play. She is following now, and she finds herself grateful that the response was almost immediate because she is anxious now, all of sudden she is anxious; she wants the story, so she takes the words he gives her:

_Darkness was our playground, Kate. We used to call it home once. Late nights and city lights, the taste of coffee on your lips and a secret love, a secret love, remember?_

Of course she remembers. She will always remember.

_Yeah, Castle, I remember. _

She is not just playing now, he can feel it now, she gets it but she doesn't really know what it is, just knows that she gets it and he smiles because he can picture her face, the way her eyes shine and her smile cracks and she looks at the phone like he is there. She is in the story now, he tugged a little harder and she is in it now, lost in it and he smiles because she must look so beautiful now. She remembers, she remembers and that's how he knows exactly how beautiful she looks, how she must be glowing now because she is lost in the story, in the moment that she gave to him and he gave back. She gets it. She just doesn't know yet that she gets it. He helps her, helps her follow the memory, chase after it because she is there she just needs to chase it.

_It used to be just you and me, Kate. I used to wait for you, Kate. I would always wait for you to come there, in the darkness, those late nights with the city lights; it was the only place you used to let me call you mine. You used to let me love you. _

Now she is really smiling - for her, for him, for them, she is smiling because she remembers. She remembers. She is crying now, crying and hiccupping out a laugh because she is there now and she remembers the way his head would snap up before she was even close enough to have made any noise. He always had his Kate radar on in those moments though, he was on high alert and his head would snap up and he would smile, throw her a smile that almost knocked her over, almost made her run but then he would pull her closer, pull her to him with his eyes that said thank you every time, his eyes that said he was waiting and thank you, thank you for coming, for letting me love you. She cries now and she smiles and she is a mess because of course she remembers, she was his, she was his. He was the only one who didn't know, who thought his love was a secret that he kept alone, but he didn't, she was in on it, she knew his secret, she had her own secret too. She was his.

_Yeah, Castle, I remember. It used to be home there, you used to love me there. I remember._

Now he is just grinning like an idiot, he knows he is but he doesn't care because it is dark and there is nobody here and the lights aren't as bright as they used to be and she gets it and it's perfect, it'll be perfect, it's the story she needs. She must be laughing now because he is a grinning idiot now and he was a grinning idiot then and she must be seeing that now, because she is in the story, she is with him in the story and she must be seeing that now. His grinning idiot face, she must be laughing. That's good, it's good that she is laughing, but she needs to know why, she needs to know why she needs this story, why he gave her this story and why now and so he sends her one last message and then he waits, he is just going to wait.

_I still love you there, Kate. I will always love you there. In secret._

She is lost again and she hates how he can do that, how his mind just flits around and trips her over and she was trying to follow him. She follows him as much as he follows her and that thought makes her laugh again because she wonders if he feels like this too, if he feels like he gets it, he gets it and then he doesn't, but he is still chasing after her, just trying to figure out where she might have gone, how she got there, how to get there too. It's annoying really, but she is still smiling, she is still smiling but she is confused now because she got it, she thought she got it and she did, she got the story and she was in it, laughing and crying and totally lost in the story he gave her, or she gave him, she isn't sure anymore but she was in it. She was, but now, now she is lost and the haze is broken and she doesn't know what he is saying, she doesn't know where his mind went, because it jumped along without her. He was tugging her along through the story and then he just let her go, dropped her back into this life and she doesn't know why, why didn't he finish the story? Where did he go?

She reads the words again, because he wrote them down. He wrote them down and so she reads them again because the words are important. She gets it then, he still loves her there, he still loves her there and he is still waiting; always waiting there for her to let him love her. She gets it. She knows where his mind went, not sure why it went there but she knows where it went and so she is going to follow, she always follows.

She sighs, wipes away the lingering tears and huffs out the left over laughter that couldn't decide if it was in or out. She swings out of bed, feet landing heavily on the cold floors. Most of the heaviness is shot right out of her then, most of the heaviness is gone now and all that's left is the twitching. The twitching is still there and it makes her move quickly. She is moving quickly now and slipping her shoes on, rummaging through the mess of her blankets and grabbing her phone from where it fell and she is moving quickly now. The door is already closed, the door is closed and locked and she is moving quickly.

She sees him now and she isn't close enough to have made any noise but his head snaps up and he looks at her. He looks at her and he smiles and it knocks her back a little bit but it doesn't make her want to run anymore and his eyes pull her in, his eyes pull her in but they don't say thank you anymore. His eyes don't say thank you anymore they say I love you and I knew you would come. I knew. This place is different now. It's different and it's the same. It is the same, tiny little place that lives between the shadows and it is dark and secluded even though it is right on the outskirts of the park, even though the city lights are all around, it's dark and it's secret and so it's the same. It's different though, because he used to be small here, vulnerable and a little bit crumple and on the ground. He used to be on the ground, in the cold damp grass, sitting in a hopeful mess and holding two coffees. He used to be on the ground and now he isn't, this place has a bench now and so it's different but he is still smiling and he still has two coffees and so it's the same too. It's been a while and this place has a bench now but it's still the same, only a little bit different now.

She walks over to him as he places the two coffee cups down on the arm of the bench. He doesn't stand up and cover her with his body, he doesn't wrap her up and bury her in him and she thinks that is a little bit strange, but she isn't sure, she isn't sure because she doesn't really know this story anymore. She reaches him and he pulls her forward, grabs her hips and pulls her between the V of his legs. He kisses her body then, through the warm things that she threw on when she wasn't paying attention, when she was just focussing on her breathing. She's focussing on him now, on him. He kisses her again and turns his cheek, lays it down just above her waist band as he crosses his arms behind her back, tugs her further into him and squeezes. Makes sure she is there, really there and he is allowed to love her. She wants to cry. He squeezes and breathes her in deeply and she reaches down, scratches her nails over his scalp, through his hair and slips them down to cradle his head to her body. She cradles his head and leans down to kiss the top of it, apology and gratitude and love. He needs her, she needs him. It's a dark, secret thing.

She is still a little bit confused though because they haven't been here in a long time, they haven't been here since before they became them in the light. She is a little bit confused and she is trying to catch up but she isn't really following. He must feel that then, must realise she got left behind somewhere because he is about to start the story now, she can feel it. He's lifted the warm things she threw on a little bit now and it's not cold anymore, it's not cold. He's lifted it a little bit now and his fingers are smoothing out over the skin of her hips and back and his cheek presses back into her abs. He takes a deep breath and releases it in a long warm drawn out line against her. He starts to explain it to her then, he starts to give her the rest of the story; he murmurs it into her skin, because the words are important and when the words are important he has to write them down. So he writes them down; he writes them with his breath and lips and teeth, he writes them on her skin. The words ripple over her skin and float out into the air. She catches them there before they can float away, she just barely catches them but she does, because it's is calm and silent here in this secret place and he sends the words over her skin and into the air, just for her, just for her.

"This city; look at this city, look at the lights Kate and look at the dark. This city… it keeps your story Kate, it keeps _our_ story, our secret. This city keeps our secret safe and you, Kate, keep the city safe. That is who you are Kate; you are who you have always been. The girl who protects the city, who retrieves the stories that the darkness stole and gives them back to this place, brings them back to the light so that this city can shine through the darkness, so that it can shine will all the stories, all the secrets and share them with the others who need a piece of them. Kate you protect this city, this city that keeps our secret. That, Kate, is who you are, and that, Kate, is why you do what you do."

She stiffens then, she stiffens and her hands tighten in his hair, around his neck, and her body forgets altogether about breathing, about focusing on breathing, because she has no idea how he got here. She has no idea how his brain skipped and tripped along and found the story that she needed, how did he find what she was looking for before her own mind could even figure out what she lost. She has no idea how he got here, how he knew that this is where she needed to be. He keeps going though, she knows he felt it, knows he felt what his words did to her body and mind but he just keeps going.

"I know Kate, I don't know what happened, if it was a tough case or if you just got overwhelmed. I don't know Kate but all I know is that you have a hard job Kate, you have a hard job and sometimes I forget how much you give to it. I see you every day, Kate. Victim's families come to you in pieces, every day they come to you in pieces and you pick them up, give them the truth of their stories, and put them back together. Sure they are still cracked Kate, you can't fix them. Nobody can fix them and make them perfect again but you put them back together Kate. Give them enough to stay standing. You give a little bit of yourself to every single story. Every single one Kate, you give a little bit of yourself so that this city can have its stories back, so that it can have all its secrets and it can shine. That is what you do Kate and so of course sometimes you are going to fall down on empty because you give yourself away Kate. You give yourself away to protect this city and I forget sometimes. I forget sometimes because you are strong, so, so strong, and I forget. I forget that you have a hard job and you give yourself to this city. I never forget _you_ though, Kate. I never forget who you are. And you know what, if you forget Kate, that's okay. It is okay to forget sometimes Kate."

She is shaking now, trembling and crying now. Tears are falling now and they are silent and warm and grateful tears because she was, she was falling down on empty and she didn't know, she didn't know what was happening and she was angry, she was trying to be angry but he knew. He knew. He is still going though, he still has a little more of this story.

"Kate, you are not betraying the force or the city or the victims by forgetting sometimes, by needing to clear it all out. You are not Kate, because you are the reason that this city has such beautiful stories, you are the reason this city gets to shine even in the shadows, it gets to shine. This city protects our story, our secret and you protect this city Kate. Oh, and Kate, if you ever forget Kate, it's okay, it's okay because I will stand next to you Kate, I will stand next to you and remind you."

He is done now, the story is done now and she knows because he was painting it onto her skin and he finished it off and sealed it there with a kiss.

He stands then and she thinks he will wrap her up now, she thinks he will wrap her up and kiss her because his words cracked her open and he needs to put her back together now, he needs to. He doesn't. He doesn't, he just stands and moves beside her, wraps his arm around her waist and leans in to press and kiss to her cheek. He places a few more kisses there then, he takes her tears and replaces them. Her eyes are closed and he pushes another kiss through her skin just next to her ear before whispering, "Open your eyes Kate".

She sees it then. She is looking down at the empty bench where his body was resting and she sees it now. A beautiful little plaque at the top of the bench, with beautiful words for her, for her and this city and their love; their secret love that started here in the dark before it was brought to light:

_**For Kate who stands and protects this city -**_

_**From Rick who stands beside her.**_

More tears - choked, salty, warm tears and little puffs of breath now. It's beautiful and it's the story she needed, it is exactly the story she needed and he reminded her, he reminded her when she forgot. He stood beside her and reminded her and she protects this city, this city that keeps their secret, she will protect this city. She is shattered and all the little pieces are about to fly away but he wraps her up. He wraps her up now, pulls her close and buries her in him.

They are both just breathing now, focusing on breathing. Wrapped in each other and keeping all their pieces from flying away, they breathe now. Her tears slow down, face buried in his neck and bodies twisted and tangle, the last of her tears run down his skin, leaving warm streaks along his neck before they settle along his collar bone. She blows them dry with her shallow breaths as the puff over his skin. She is calm and stable and strong again in his arms now because he broke her apart and put her back together and she is strong now. Her breathing has evened out and her body started to slump and then she pulled him closer and cradled him and she is holding him now. She is the one holding him now. He's in a daze now because he was giving her this story because she forgot and she was broken and now she is strong again and holding him together and how does she do that.

Her voice cracks through the early morning silence and breaks him free, "Let's go home" she whispers directly into his ear as she caresses his head and shoulders and neck with warm, slightly trembling fingers, but she is strong now, she is. He heard her and she wants to go home and that's okay, because she gets it, she gets the story and why she is here and now she has this place, this place that is different now because they left a piece of their secret here and she found herself here. He gave her herself back and that's all he wanted. He wanted her to see the city and what it holds and who she is, why she is who she is. How she will never be alone, how their love lingers here. That is what he wanted and she said she wants to go home and that's okay. He tries to tell himself that it is okay but he doesn't want to let her go, he doesn't want to go back to the loft that isn't home without her, he doesn't want to let her go to her apartment that she hadn't called home in a long time, until tonight. He doesn't want to, even though he tries to tell himself it is okay. He grabs her tighter, he squeezes. He is squeezing now and he is desperate because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to let her go. He can't.

"_Home_, Castle. I want to go _home_, we can sought out what to do with my apartment in the morning, I am too tired to talk about it right now. For now let's just go home ok? I just want you to take me home so we can get up in the morning and protect this city because it has our secret Castle. It has our secret."

He is the one who gets it then, he is the one who follows her mind then and his hands tighten around her and he is probably squeezing a little too hard but he can't get close enough because she wants to go _home_, he gets it now… she is coming home. She only has one home and she is coming home and that wasn't even the plan, this wasn't about that, he just wanted her to see the city and the way their love lingers here, but this is good, this is better; she saw the city and she saw her home. How does she keep doing that, keep getting lost in a story that he didn't even see? She is incredible and they didn't need to talk about it. She is coming home.

"I love you Kate, I love you."

The Bench, she loves the bench, it's an entire love story in itself. It's beautiful, it's perfect, and it's her favourite part. She untangles them and steps back a little, lets him get used to breathing on his own again. She wraps the fingers of one hand through his because she is going home and he knows that but he is still a little bit broken and she knows that, she knows she still needs to hold him together, at least until they get home. He isn't ready but he gets it, he just needs her to hold him together a little bit longer.

She reaches out with her other hand and runs her fingers over the words he left for her on this bench, this bench that was built for her. The letters are sunken into the beautiful little plaque and she fills up every crevice with her flesh, pushes her fingers into the words, lets the whorls in the engraving fill up with the whorls of her fingerprints because the words are important and she is a little bit like him now, when the words are important she has to write them down and keep them somewhere, so she prints them onto her fingertips and keeps them there. Takes part of them with her and leaves the rest of the secret here for the city to keep.

She thinks it's the end. This is what he must have been plotting all those months ago when it became and dark thing again and he never answered. She wonders now when he did this, when the story in his head was actually printed on this city, she wonders but she doesn't ask because it was perfect. She needed it now and he knew that, so she doesn't ask because he will tell her if she needs to know, when she needs to know. She thinks it's the end and it was perfect. They won't talk about it.

He knows it was the beginning, it was just the beginning and it was perfect. She's not going to ask questions now, he knows she's not going to because it was perfect and it's the story that she gave to him and he gave it back and that's all. That's all, she isn't going to ask. This thing started with a fight and it's perfect because _they_ started with a fight. They started with a secret and the dark and a fight that brought this love to light. It was perfect, but the ending of this plan is already written and their love story couldn't fit on a bench. It couldn't all fit on a bench and their love lingers in this city, all over this city that she protects. He wrote the ending first and now he will follow the stories where they fall because the ending is already written and it is all heading there. She needs the stories though, she gives him stories and he gives them back when she needs them. The other stories are all there, they are all there already and she could find them on her own, she may find them on her own but if she doesn't. If she doesn't, he will give them to her when she needs them, he will follow the stories where they fall and she will follow him and it will all lead to the end that is already written.


	5. Fighting different battles

Ahoy! Sorry for the delay between chapters, my studies stole all my time but I am back. This chapter is a little bit different and I had written it in my head in all different ways. It may be a little bit strange to do it this way, it may seem a little bit broken and scattered but that is pretty much exactly how it should feel I guess. I kept second guessing this one but I know where it is going and the fact that I was second guessing it is actually what pushed me to just give it to you guys and see what you think, rather than doing my usual thing and chickening out. So anyway, go for it...

* * *

She wouldn't let him go with her. She told him to go home and they had fought. They had fought and it had been clipped, cold and harsh, then quieter, more private, and then hard again, cold and unyielding on both ends, and then soft and gentle before it turned harsh again, then it got desperate and pleading and then soft, too soft and then broken. Then it was over. The fight was over and he went home.

It started as a normal fight, a fight she knew would start as soon as she said the words "Castle, I need you to go home." She knew which fight would start and she knew exactly how it would go but she didn't see the end coming, she didn't understand how it ended, what it meant. The fight started and went on as she had expected. She shot him an order; he shot straight into defiance mode. She told him to go home; he kept pace and chased after her. She said no. He said yes. He said it wasn't a call she got to make. She said she already made it. He said he was going with them, he was her partner and he had to go. She said it was too dangerous and she knows that, she knows he is her partner but he is not going with them. He said yes again. She said no again. She said she got it, she understood why he was upset and she did, she thought she did. He said, "Kate, have you ever existed in a world that kept spinning without me?"

She was lost then, she was floundering around trying to figure out where he had gone, what little thought had caught his attention and dragged him away, then she looked at his face and realised that he hadn't been dragged off at all, he was just never there. They were having two separate fights and she had no idea what he was fighting about. She told him to go home because she needed him to be home, she needed to have him to go home to and he couldn't come, it was too dangerous. She told him that but he had said that that is exactly why he had to come. She didn't understand and then all of a sudden he was asking about a world that was spinning without him, or her, or something and she didn't understand so she had asked, "What? What does that even mean Castle?"

The fight she knew she was starting began with a "Castle, I need you to go home." The fight she didn't see coming, had no idea she was in until it was over, spiralled away with her asking what that means, why the world is spinning without him, what does that mean? It ended abruptly with an "Exactly. You don't know what that means. You don't get it Kate. You can't possibly get it. So don't tell me that you do!" Then he walked away.

Kate is replaying it all now, all the in-between bits, the parts that took them from "Castle, I need you to go home" to "Exactly. You don't know what that means. You don't get it Kate. You can't possibly get it. So don't tell me that you do!" she is replaying all those bits as she watches Castle turn away, the tail of his jacket twisting and trailing after his retreating form. He reaches the elevator, steps inside, pivots on stiff legs and then sucker punches her with a dark gaze that she still doesn't understand.

She sighs and slumps down into her chair when the doors close on him; they close on him just as she thinks she sees his face morphing from anger to pain, maybe fear. She still doesn't understand. She runs over all the words now, because the words are important for him, all the words, and sometimes she just throws them out randomly, whatever words are on her tongue, she throws them out because they don't mean to her what they mean to him. Sometimes that happens so she replays them all now, she tries to picture his eyes too, his body, the things it did, because in moments like this, that is how she usually gets there. That is how she usually understands what her random-rolling straight off the tongue-mostly meaningless words meant to his beautiful, breakable soul. That is how she sees how and when she broke him, how to fix him again.

She is sitting here going over it all again and again and trying to see his body, his eyes, figure out which words broke him, what fight he was fighting. She can't see it though; she doesn't think it was the words. She didn't break him; not in this battle at least. Which means it was something broken already, he was broken already, the wound was healing and she hit him too close to it. She doesn't know what that wound is, how fresh it is and she is breaking apart for him now but he had to go home.

She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that it doesn't matter how many fights they were in, whether they were in them together or alone, he had to go home. It is too dangerous and she needs to focus now, because she told him they would do everything they could to get back, to bring everyone back safely. She told him that and she needs to keep it true, for him, for her, for everyone, she needs to keep that true. She shakes her head and clears the haze before pushing his broken gaze to the back of her mind; she will ask again in the morning, ask him what that meant.

She calls her boys and the specialist team together, nutting out all the miniscule details that they are relying on to take them safely into the operation tomorrow afternoon, keep them all alive and bring them home tomorrow night. By the time every last detail, every move and signal has been set on replay in every player's mind New York is ticking over into its quietest and darkest hour outside. She cracks her neck and her back before grabbing her coat and bag and heading towards the elevator, starting her journey from precinct to bed... to him.

She told him he couldn't go with her, told him that it was too dangerous and he had to go home. They had fought, he had panicked and split open and she didn't understand, he could see that she didn't understand and he didn't expect her to. She couldn't possible understand how desperately he needs her to let him go with her, how easily he breaks and bleeds when she isn't there because she has never seen it. She has never seen the way his body betrays him when he is scared and aching to be with her. She has never seen that because it is a darkness that he harbours alone and in secret, but they had fought and he had split wide open and it had started to leak out and so he had turned and walked away. He got into the elevator with trembling hands and everything was starting to get too loud, too fast. He went home. He slowed his breathing and he went home.

He went home and he wrote, he wrote and he drank, he drank and he wrote and he tried to sleep. He tried to sleep, tried to pretend that he wasn't waiting for her to come home, to just come home, and now he is sweating and his body is shaking and he can't breathe. He can't breathe because he tried to sleep and then there was blood, he could see all the blood, it was flowing into the too green grass that soon turned too deep red and he could hear the piercing screams and his hands, his hands were wet and warm with the blood. Her blood. His eyes shot open but nothing cleared. It didn't stop and now he is up and moving because it is hot, too hot and he is burning, he is burning and he can't breathe. There is too much blood and she isn't home, she's not home and he can't breathe, he can't breathe…


	6. She'll breathe for him

Couldn't leave you hanging too long on he can't breathe...

Figured I would leave you hanging on something else instead.

I sincerely hope you enjoy these words. Thank you.

* * *

She enters into the all-consuming darkness of the loft and her body instantly loosens, the adrenalin and exhaustion draining out of her as she drops her bag, toes of her shoes and the peaceful silence filters in. Then suddenly her body is on high alert again, her senses are straining and she is reaching for her weapon. The loft is dark and there is an almost silence but it is just barely being broken by ragged breaths, ragged breaths from somewhere in the darkness.

Her eyes adjust, pupils dilating to let in what little light is on offer. Slowly everything gains some perspective, the insomniac city outside sends some of its glowing energy through the windows and her now wide eyes pick it up, wait for it to show her the way. She stands still, cancels out the sounds of her own breathing so she can hear the breaths that count. She trains all her sense on it and moves towards the sound slowly, hand on her weapon and scanning every inch of the loft as she moves. The breaths are getting faster, more ragged and strangled as she gets closer. She rounds the kitchen bench and then she sees him. The city's glow is flowing brightly here, straight through the kitchen blinds and spotlighting him, his back wedged into the corner cupboards, knees curled into his chest, arms wrapped around himself and head bowed. His breathing is getting faster and faster, he is gasping in air and his body is shaking. Her heart stutters and her ribs tighten their grip, squeezing her chest too hard to let her breathe.

She releases her weapon, and drops down in front of him, panic rising in her throat as her tired knees pop and crash onto the kitchen floor, joining his ragged breathing in breaking the silence of the night. She scrambles closer and reaches a trembling hand towards him but pulls it back just short of contact because she has been in that place before and she knows that he won't understand, can't see clearly now. His body is betraying itself, every sense is fighting against the others and he's trying desperately to protect himself, to gain control again but his body is at civil war right now and he wasn't prepared for this hostile attack. He won't understand; he won't know it is her touch. She's shaking as much as he is now because she didn't know, has never seen him like this, still doesn't know if this has happened before and she wants to save him, she wants to reach in and pull him out of this thing because he is breaking, he is tearing at himself and falling apart and she is falling right along with him.

She is kneeling now, both hands planted in-front of her holding her weight as she hovers near him, desperately wanting to pull him close, keep him safe. Her hands are close to each of his feet but not touching, not touching yet and she leans in a little closer, wants him to feel the warmth of her as she whispers "Hey Castle, it's me, it's Kate, I need you to look at me okay? I need you to look at me, Castle." She whispers it to him and then she waits, waits for the words to drift in, break through the dark haze and reach him. She waits and her heart is pounding, her body is shaking, she needs him to come out of this. He lifts his head up and catches her gaze. His eyes are still glassy and he's scared, he doesn't know her. He looks so terrified and her heart shatters, all the little shards of it firing around inside her and ripping her apart. He is looking at her though and she can't let him see that, can't let him see that she is terrified too. She pushes it all down, wills the pieces of her heart to pull themselves together again and hold tight because he needs her.

She reaches out then, slowly she moves her hand into his field of vision, waits until he shifts his focus towards it and when his gaze starts tracking its movements she gently places it on his bent knee, soothing the taught muscles of his leg with her thumb. He startles and stiffens when she touches him, his breathing picks up and he looks ready to fight, he lost focus, pulled his face back up to look at her but she knows how this is, knows that he needs to focus on her hand. He needs to know that it is not a threat and needs to feel the warmth so she bows her head, keeps herself as silent as possible, slows her breathing and looks at her hand on his knee. He follows her body, and trails her gaze until he is focused on her touch again. The warmth finally starts seeping into him and his body starts to slow down slightly. He anchors himself to that point then, lets his body focus on the warmth.

She's whispering again and the pieces of her shattered heart threaten to split because she is just so overfilled with both pride and pain right now, "Good, Castle, see you're going to be fine okay. Now I need you to look at me again, I'm going to leave my hand here but I need you to focus on my voice."

He is latching onto little bits of her now, the warmth, her touch, her hushed voice, she can feel it all over her, the way he is clutching desperately at her, trying to ground himself, letting her tell his body how to live. He looks up at her and his eyes are pleading, screaming for her to help him. She fights the urge to jump in and wrap him up, hold him too tight and squeeze the trembling fear out of him. She holds his gaze for a moment, lets him look and waits until she thinks he has seen what he needs. He is still breathing too fast though, his breaths are being dragged in and spat back out before they reach his chest, his chest that is heaving and chasing after the air it so desperately seeks, shaking with the effort. He needs to slow his breathing and his gaze is clearing a little now, he is looking at her like he knows her and that's good, that's good.

"Hey Rick, I'm here and you're going to be okay but I need you to slow down your breathing okay?"

He is nodding, he's nodding now and she smiles brightly, her face splitting with the force of the relief, because he is nodding and he is looking at her like he knows her and he is going to be okay, she tells herself this as much as she tells him. It's going to be okay.

He is gulping down air now, trying to remember how to take deep breaths but they are not staying down and his eyes widen again, he starts to panic again and he is slipping. She grabs hold of him, will not let this thing take him away from her again, she gives his knee a barely there squeeze and keeps her command low and calm, "Focus Castle, I need you to stay focussed on me."

She feels his body start to loosen immediately as he pulls his eyes back to catch hers. He gives a slight nod, she thinks it's a nod. "Good, good, Castle. Okay, now I need you to focus here Castle, I need you to match your breathing with mine okay?"

He nods again but he looks like the panic is threatening, like he knows what she wants him to do but he doesn't know how and its threatening. She slides her hand further down his calf then, doesn't let the warmth lose contact until she reaches his hand and wraps her fingers around his. He is staring at her intently, he swallows hard and then his fingers twitch and she grabs hold, pulls his tight grasp from his pants, puts her palm to the back of his, laces her fingers into the gaps that his leave and places his palm flat on her chest, presses it down with her own. She breathes in a slow, steady and deep rhythm then, waits for it to beat through his fingertips, travel down his arm and into his chest for him to pick up.

Slowly his breathing levels out, matches hers, and his palm starts to warm on her skin. He is blinking a little more now and his gaze is starting to clear. His tears are tearing down the channels the previous ones created on his face but she waits. She waits and breathes silently, keeps the beat for him for long moments until he finally swallows thickly before opening his mouth and letting out a choked and strangled, "Ka-te".

She swallows back her own tears then and gives him as much smile as she can muster, lets him see in her face that it's okay, it'll be okay. His hand flexes and clutches at her chest then and he stutters out her name like it is the only thing he knows, "Ka-te. Kate."

She reaches out her free hand and cradles his face, gently wipes away the tears that still stream unbidden. "Yeah, yeah Rick, it's me and you're okay. It'll be okay, just keep breathing alright."

He sniffles, leans in her touch and his body starts to tremble again, it is all threatening him again and she just can't let him go, not when he was so close. She takes her hand from his face and grabs his other hand that is still gripping tightly at his leg, keeping his body together. She has both his hands in hers and she squeezes tight, waits till his eyes are back to hers before she says "Hey, hey no, look, look at me, I'm here and you're okay, you're okay Rick, I've got you."

Something flashes across his face then, fleetingly covers his eyes and dashes away before she could catch what it was, but when it is gone, his gaze is clearer again. He lowers his legs slightly and then tugs on their joined hands with an unexpected force. She topples forward and he keeps tugging on her; it's a desperate, pleading pull. She catches his gaze and finally see's what he needs, what he wants, so she lets him pull her in. She shifts to straddle his hips and he pulls his legs back in tightly then. He sandwiches her in his body, pulls his knees into her back and throws her hands around his neck, then wraps his arms up under hers; his wide hands splayed strong and wide along her shoulder blades before he buries his face in her neck and breathes deeply. She holds on tight and mirrors the pressure he puts on her body, she's following his body now, coping its movements like he had copied hers. She bends her head and breathes at his ear, feels a solitary tear make a quick escape and flow from her skin into his hair.

His chest stutters on the breath he filled with her scent, he squeezes too tight and his body starts to shake under hers in violent waves as he releases a sobbed out "Kate, you're okay, oh god… Kate" into her skin that is now soaked with his tears.

Her heart breaks for him all over again and she pulls him closer, holds him together and tries to lead his body. She lets her chest press towards and pull away from him as she breathes, forces his to follow as she whispers into his ear "Okay, okay, shhh… it's okay, baby, it'll be okay. I need you to focus again, okay? I'm here, I'm here. You've got me and I'm safe. I'm safe, we're both safe, okay? I need you to just keep breathing, just breathe. You're okay baby, you're okay."

His body follows hers, his chest rises and gives chase to hers when it retreats and she focuses herself on keeping their bodies steady, keeping the rhythm of his heart going now. Everything begins to slow after a few minutes but he doesn't let go and neither does she. His tears slow to a stop and the last fallen dry on their skin. They're crushing each other but her body is keeping his alive right now and so they both just slow down together under the pressure.

After breathing together and holding the broken bits of each other in place for long silent moments, something changes in him and she thinks he is back, thinks he is settled and grounded again, his arms are still wrapped tightly around her, her body is still pressed into the cradle of his but his muscles feel different in their strength now, not taught and tightened but a subtle and underlying power and she is about to pick her head up and find his eyes again because his eyes will tell her it's okay. She is about to but suddenly he is shifting around, laying his legs out straight and then rolling forward onto his knees and getting his feet under him, rising from the floor with her body curled around his. Again she is amazed by all the quiet strength that he harbours. She tightens her hold on him when he lets go to push himself up. He is on his feet then and moving silently to the bedroom, his arms back around her and holding her against him, her face buried in his neck.

He releases one arm and pulls the covers back, lays her down with a reverence she has never felt from anyone but him before crawling over her body, never meeting her gaze but always keeping at least a single point of contact and then he pulls her back into the wall of his chest and matches his breathing to hers again. She pulls out her gun and badge from beneath her and lays them on the bedside table before squeezing back underneath him.

He sighs out an "I love you" into her hair when she knots her fingers with his and his body relaxes, heavy and warm against hers. He falls asleep draped over her body; she falls asleep under his solid weight, reminding her body to keep breathing for him.

But she wakes up in the morning light alone.


	7. Hospitals and hope

So this is another one of the middle bits. Another moment where Castle takes Kate to a place where their love lingers.

I really hope you guys are enjoying this. My heart is still beating so fast just at the thought of putting my words out there for others to keep and I appreciate the fact that people are reading and finding something of their own in these words. I really think the Castle fandom has such a beautiful energy. So many kind and welcoming souls seem to have joined together in support of one another and you guys really just allow me to see so much beauty. So besides any support that has been given to me for this story, thank you for being so kind and offering such positive energy to others. That is fantastic.

Enjoy. x

* * *

She blinks into the soft morning light and extents out a half-sleeping hand trying to reach him. The bed is cold and empty and the panic he had harboured seems to have seeped out of his body into hers during the night because her throat closes instantly and her body is suddenly sitting straight in the bed. She reminds herself to breathe, tells herself she has to breathe like when she breathes for him, slow and steady. Slow and steady. She calms her body down, waits until she finds her centre again and then tries to build a timeline, reminds herself how she got here. The last thing he said was "I love you", that was the last thing he said and now he is gone and she is starting to panic again, but no, she needs to breathe. Breathe like how she breathes for him. She does, she breathes, and then she searches her surroundings for something, anything. She catches the edges of her badge on the bedside table and then her gun; she remembers then, her phone. Her phone must still be in her bag and she has to get her phone. He might call.

She tumbles out of bed, a crumpled and cracked version of the Kate Beckett that left the loft in the same clothes the previous morning. Her feet are not as awake as her mind yet and they miss a few steps, stumble and trip on each other and carry her in hops and skids through the loft and to her bag. She snags the zipper and pulls out her phone, her heart is racing and she hopes he calls, hopes that he has called already.

There are no missed calls. No missed calls, but there is a message, there is a message and her eyes are not cooperating yet, they are not cooperating and they need to. They need to because he is gone but he has given her words and she needs them. She remembers about the breathing then and her vision clears. She gets the words then, only she doesn't really get them.

_Kate, the last time I was here my heart was broken, I was drifting and everything was dark. You weren't here Kate. For a little while, you weren't here, you weren't anywhere and the world just kept spinning without you._

She doesn't understand what he is saying, what the words means and her heart is beating too fast, it is stealing all the blood back just as it reaches her brain and she needs to slow down because he didn't call, he messaged and so the words are important, he wrote them down.

She slows down again, slows down and catches the rhythm that she had set in her body for him last night. She catches his rhythm and slows herself down. She reads the words again. She reads them again and again and she doesn't really know what they mean, she doesn't think she knows what they mean but they still strike her hard and they burn her, they burn and she doesn't know why. She needs to know why. The scar between her breast tightens and pulls and burns and oh. She gets it now. She wasn't there, for a little while she wasn't there or anywhere and the world was spinning without her. She died. She died and the world was spinning without her.

She is moving then, slipping into her shoes and locking the door and heading towards the elevator. She is moving but her brain is torn, telling her that she died more than once, she died in the cemetery and in the ambulance and in the hospital. That is where she died and he could be anywhere, any one of those places but her body is moving, her body is taking her to him and she trusts it now. Has no choice but to trust it.

She is breathing hard as she races out of the cab and into the large sliding doors, into the cool clinical air and then she just stops. She just stops because her body brought her here and now it is quiet and still and it doesn't know where to move anymore. She is burning again and she texts him then, needs to find him.

_Castle, where are you?_

His reply is almost immediate and somehow that cools her down, keeps her steady. He was waiting that means, he is waiting somewhere. She knows he is waiting, she just doesn't know where, why, she doesn't understand.

_Presbyterian, Kate. I wanted to say remember? Because that is how this thing works, this new thing we have. I ask if you remember and then you come, you follow the memory and the story and the love and you come but I guess you don't really remember this one. So I can't just ask you if you remember._

She is lost again, well she is not lost because she already knew that, doesn't know how she knew but she knew where he was and she is already at the Presbyterian Hospital. She doesn't know what he is talking about though. This thing he thinks they have, this thing with _remember_. She doesn't know what he is talking about but he told her to follow the memory, the story and the love, so she searches her memory for _remember_. She does remember then, she remembers. He had written it down, asked her in words that she could keep if she remembered how he used to love her there, in the dark and in secret. He asked her if she remembered and then her feet were moving and she was standing in-front of a bench and he was teaching her who she was again. She gets it then, the new thing they have, he asks and she remembers and she follows the memory and the story and the love and she comes and finds him and a piece of their love, it's their new thing. She is here already though and he knows that she can't remember this, she followed anyway, the story and the love, she followed them without the memory and she is here. She needs to find him now though, get the memory from him too. She needs the memory, she needs to understand.

_I know. I'm already at the Presbyterian, but where? Where are you?_

His heart clenches and vibrates as he reads her words before it picks up beating again. She's here. She is already here and he was going to lead her here, was going to give her the memory and then let her follow the story and the love herself but she got it. She got it without the memory and she is incredible. She is incredible and she is already here and he is nervous now, terrified because she is here and somehow now he doesn't feel ready. He texts her though, he texts her and he waits and he breathes like she told him to.

_Coffee shop. Ground level. Next to the elevator for Cardiac Care and ICU._

Her brow furrows then because she doesn't think there is a coffee shop there, there isn't anything in that lobby, just a flower shop as far as she remembers. But he is waiting, he is waiting and she is moving again now.

He's nervous. This one wasn't even meant for her really. It is for her, it's always for her, but he really didn't plan to ever bring her to this one and he hoped, he hoped she would never end up here and find it herself. The bench was for her, and there are other pieces of their love lingering all over this city, there are little plaques and words all over the place but this wasn't really part of the plan. He had decided though to let these things fall where they fall and just make his way to the end and so now he is here in the one place that really wasn't meant for her to actually see. This one was because he _needed_ to leave a little love here; because every time he walked past here he found himself smiling. He didn't think he would. He thought that this place would crack his chest wide open and forever still his barely beating heart. He thought this place would ooze deep blood red darkness in a thick and heavy wave that would sweep him up and consume him but it didn't, it didn't; it made him smile. There was just so much light here, so much unexpected light and gratitude and hope. Every single time it made him smile, because she came back, she came back. He wanted to leave a little piece of their love here, their love that had only just been born out loud; he wanted to leave a little of that love here for the others. For the others who were still in the deep red darkness and needed some hope and light. That is what this piece of their love was for but now he can't even remember why he thought that anyone would see it that way, because he can't see it that way anymore. He can't, because now he is desperate, he is desperate again to go with her but last time she came back. She came back last time and, oh, there's the hope again, that was the hope. She came back and that was the hope that he left here for the ones who need it most. He remembers now. She doesn't remember, she couldn't remember this because she wasn't there and that was the problem. She wasn't there and so he didn't want to be there either, he wanted to be with her, needed to just be with her but he was on this planet that just kept spinning without her and he didn't know how to live. He would have silently followed her, faded in behind her if she didn't come back, but she did come back and he remembers. She doesn't know what it was like though. When she wasn't there, she doesn't know that he was ready to follow her silently if she never came back.

She sees him then, he is hunched over his coffee that rests on the small wooden table. A steaming coffee sits across from him and he's waiting. He's waiting. Her scar is burning and her heart has picked up a second beat because she doesn't understand why he would come here. He is sentimental, she knows that, his senses are different to every else she knows and his mind is so keen and powerful that he can pull out every last detail of an experience and make his body feel it again and so she knows sometimes he goes back to a place that his body responded to so that he can feel it all again but she doesn't understand why he would want to be here. Why would he come here to a place that caused them both so much pain? Why would he want to feel that again? She walks over and pulls out the chair opposite him with a shaking sweating hand. She sits down silently and takes a sip of her still hot coffee and now she is the one waiting. He doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge her presence but he knows she is there, she knows he can feel her there. She is waiting and then the heavy silence breaks her resolve and she has to ask:

"Why Rick, why are we here?"

He lifts his head then and his eyes are dark and haunted but there is a little spark in the corner, something bright that is fighting to break through, she wants it to break through. He says it so quietly then, so softly that she has to strain to catch the words.

"Kate, I wanted to take that bullet for you."

She catches the words and her heart stops. A haze forms around her and her breathing is echoing around her in her skull but her heart has stopped. He reaches out and pulls her back to him with a warm palm pressing into the back of her hand, holding her down in this moment. She looks up at him then and her heart startles back into action. She doesn't know why he is doing this, what any of this means. She needs to start at the beginning this time because sometimes he pulls her into the middle of story and she picks it up but this time is different, because usually their stories have been lived together but this one, this one she thinks they were living at cross purposes, just alongside each other in the same events but not together. Not really together and she needs to know what is happening, where he has been, what he is fighting, why they are here.

"Castle, last night… what happened last night?"

He sighs, pulls in a shaky breathe and releases it again before he tries to help her understand what happened when she wasn't here and the world kept spinning.

"Kate, that day, there were a few moments when you weren't here anymore, you weren't on the planet and I just couldn't understand how it kept spinning. How could it possibly keep spinning without you? My world Kate, the world I live in… it starts and stops spinning with the beat of your heart Kate and there were a few moments when your heart stopped beating and my world stopped spinning."

She still doesn't understand what any of this means or why now, why it all came out now. She turns her hand and squeezes his, a silent encouragement and plea to keep going, to make her understand. He does, he keeps going -

"I didn't understand it then Kate. I loved you, I knew I loved you but I still thought that I had a choice in it, you know? I still thought that if this didn't work out or if you woke up and you didn't want me like I wanted you I would be hurt Kate, of course and I would wallow for a while and then I would learn how to be again. I thought that it was a choice but when your heart stopped and my world stopped I realised that it wasn't a choice that I got to make anymore. I didn't just want you Kate, I needed you. I need you because your heart beat is what keeps me alive. I didn't know that Kate, I didn't know until your heart stopped and I started dying."

She is crying now, single tears that drip onto the table, the weight of them drawing them straight from her eyes, along her skin and pulling them from her chin. She squeezes his hand again, this time drawing strength from him and trying to find her voice. He knows what that squeeze is, he squeezes back, gives her strength and waits for the words.

"Castle, I… no Rick, you are so strong Rick, so so strong and your life is so much more than just me. It is so much more outside of me Rick. You have Alexis and a family and that's not true Rick that's not true. You are stronger than you think and -"

He cuts her off then, squeezes her hand too tight and cuts her off,

"No Kate, I know what you are trying to do and say Kate and I appreciate it and you are right in some ways. I have Alexis and my mother and I have the boys and Lanie and all my friends and I have the books and the words and I have so much Kate, I know that. I have so much that I am grateful for, so much that makes up my life. I know that Kate, but it doesn't matter how many things I know, it doesn't matter how many words you use or how many words I use, because this isn't some hypothetical situation for me. This isn't a situation I am making up in my head, imagining what it would be like without you. I have been away from you Kate, you left me that summer, remember. You left me and I was hurting but I can live Kate, I know I can live even if you leave me and I have to live without you. I can do that, I have had to do that, but if your heart stops beating, even if you are not mine, even if you are not with me anymore Kate, if you're your heart stops beating then everybody else's world may keep spinning but mine won't. If your heart stops, so does mine. It doesn't matter how many words you say now Kate because I don't have a choice in that anymore. I didn't know until it happened that I don't have a choice."

She is silent then, her eyes are wide and watery and shining under the hospital lights but she is silent and she doesn't know what to do because he has never taken words out of the equation, he has never said that it doesn't matter how many words are used, that they can't change the way this thing is. She goes back to the beginning again then because she still doesn't know where they are.

"Last night Rick, what happened last night?"

He nods at her then, knows that she has accepted what he told her but she needs to know why she is here, how they got here.

"You told me that I couldn't come with you Kate. You told me that I couldn't come with you but the thing is, neither of us have a choice in that anymore because if you don't come back Kate, if you don't come back one day then I will follow you anyway. If your heart stops beating then okay, maybe my body might still be here, the muscles of my heart will still be pumping but the life that my body contains will be gone. It'll be gone, Kate. It just can't survive without you. Last night you told me to go home, that I couldn't come with you and so I went home. I went home alone and then I was back in that place again, that dark place where you are not there and the world keeps spinning and all of a sudden my life was trying to tear out of my body and find you. It was trying to tear away and follow you, wherever you go when your heart stops beating. You weren't there Kate and I panicked, I panicked because I was back in that place and I couldn't remember that you were at work, you were at the precinct and you were coming home, I couldn't remember… I thought you were gone."

She grabs his other hand then and she gets it, she knows how that feels, to be stuck in the darkness and trying to escape, to want to leave your body behind. She gets it and she is breaking for him because she didn't know, she didn't know that he was running from darkness too. His breathing is picking up pace again and his pulse is thundering along under her fingertips. She picks her head up and looks at him, squeezes his hands again and chases the darkness away, she can see it threatening and so she chases it away.

"Castle, look at me, I'm here, I'm here okay?"

He nods then and inhales cool calming breaths, squeezes back when he has his centre again. She still doesn't understand why they are here though; she needs to understand why they are here.

"Kate, I wanted to take that bullet for you. I know you hate it when I say that, you tell me that it wasn't meant for me and that you would never want me to do that, you say that you couldn't bear it. You asked me to promise to never do that again and I said no and that is why you won't let me come. I know that Kate, and I get what you are doing but please don't do this to me. Don't do it. I am your partner Kate and I need to be there and if I see a bullet and I can get there first I will, because I don't have a choice anymore Kate. If that bullet gets to you and your heart stops I won't live without you anyway Kate, I don't have a choice in it. It doesn't matter how many fights we have, how many words you use, how many times you tell me no. I don't have a choice and neither do you. I need you."

She can see the pain in his eyes, there is desperation lacing his tone but she is still not budging on this topic. She is hurting for him, she saw last night what it does to him when he can't be there but she is not budging because she needs him too. She knows she needs him too and she knows that he isn't lying, if he can get to a bullet before it gets to her he will, and that terrifies her because she needs him too. He must see it then, in her eyes, he must see that she isn't budging, because he nods and then changes tactics.

"You want to know why I brought you here, Kate?"

She nods, hasn't got any words left now so she just nods. He pulls her up then, takes her hands and leads her over to the far wall of the coffee shop's front. The little plaque is set on the wall above a small ledge that looks like it used to hold a ticketing machine. He leads her over to it, wraps his arms around her waist and pastes himself to her back as he speaks into her ear.

"I know you may not understand it Kate, but I like this place. It calms me down and brings me hope because there is so much strength inside these walls. So many people are fighting with everything they have to come back to the people they love… the people who need them to live and you came back Kate. In this place you fought hard and you are so strong and you came back. It makes me smile Kate, this place, it makes me smile because it reminds me that you came back. It gives me hope. There wasn't a coffee shop here before, there was nothing but white walls and empty cold spaces and I needed hope when I was here. I needed something warm and comforting you know? Something to give me hope, and then you gave me hope and love and I just… I had to give some of it back, leave a bit of hope and light and love here for the other people who need it. So I built this place, for you and for them, I built this place."

She is stifling back tears and shaking her head then because this man, this strong and beautiful man just keeps knocking her off her feet with his mind and his heart, he never stops surprising her. She reads the plaque then and a few quiet tears blur her vision before they escape.

_**For Kate who woke up and came back to him - **_

_**From Rick who would have followed.**_

They are standing there together in silence, he is wrapped around her back, their tears have dried and their bodies are still as they both look at the words he left there for her and him and everyone else who needs them. They are standing there when a skinny, shaking, broken looking shadow of a man walks up and stops next to them. He reaches out an unsteady hand and runs his fingertips over the words. He turns then and faces them, gives them a small smile that lifts only half his mouth and says "It's beautiful isn't it?" They both stiffen, Castle's hold tightens around her before they relax again in unison and then nod silently at this man who walked over to them covered in darkness and now looks at them with a hint of light and beauty in his eyes. He walks away then, the man walks away with a little bit of hope and Kate reminds herself to breathe. She breathes again and so does he, he picks up her rhythm like she taught him too and then he takes them a few steps away from the plaque, turns her around and hugs her close. He buries her body in his and they breathe together.

He comes back then, the broken man with a lot of darkness and now a little hope, he comes back with a coffee and he lays down a beautiful little boxed bouquet of lilies on the ledge beneath the plaque. He then runs his fingers over the words once more and he is really smiling now, a small and hopeful smile. He turns then and walks away, heads back to the elevator with his coffee and he still looks cracked, shattered really but the ground beneath him looks a little more stable. He looks like he is walking on hope now, waiting now, rather than fading away.

The elevator doors close on him and Kate struggles out of Rick's hold, heads over to the beautiful flowers the man had laid down and reads out the card, her voice cracking as she goes:

_For Kate who woke up and came back to Rick._

_From Michael who is waiting for his Olivia to come back just like Rick's Kate._

She smiles a watery smile then, huffs out a tiny sound that could be a laugh spurred on by relief and love or it could be a broken hearted sob, she isn't really sure what the noise was, is too overwhelmed to care. She just loves that her Rick has brought pain and darkness to light, turned it into hope and strength and love and left it here for the people who are running out of all those things. She is smiling with tears in her eyes again and then she looks over at Rick and then she is not smiling anymore.

His back is against the wall now and his body is trembling, his breathing is too fast and his eyes are glazed. He is gone again, she lost him in the darkness again and he needs her, he told her he needs her. She rushes over to him then and throws herself around him, wraps him up in her and whispers to him.

"Rick, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here, you've got me. Just try to relax again okay, breathe, Rick, just breathe."

He pulls her in closer, tugs and squeezes too tight but he is back, he is still shaky but centred, he was just thrown of track by a strangers words, overwhelmed by what they might mean to him. He puts a hand on the back of her head, pulls her into him and holds her tight as he tells her in a voice that is simultaneously pleading and desperate but also strong and demanding, he tells her:

"You can't tell me anymore that I don't get to come with you Kate. It is not a decision that you get to make, it is not even a decision that I get to make anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. I will follow you Kate, I will always follow you and neither of us gets to make that call anymore."

She lets it go then, gives up this fight because she can see it now, can see that she is trying to protect him, keep him away from some cases to protect him but she sees it now, she is tearing him apart, letting the darkness attack him by not letting him be there with her. She is heartbroken by her love for him. It is all whispers now, all fragile moments and too tight holds.

"Okay, shhh… okay, Castle, okay. I'm sorry, I am so sorry."

"I'm coming with you Kate, this afternoon, into the field, I'm coming with you."

"Yeah, okay… okay."

"We either come back or we don't come back, together Kate, together. You don't get to decide anymore."

"Okay."

He is still shaking and choking in air now, she thinks she is probably shaking too. She runs a hand through the back of his hair and one down the gap between his shoulder blades. She buries her face in his neck and tries to hold his body together with hers. She tells him again, writes the words into his skin with her lips. The words are important and so she writes them into his skin this time.

"Shhh… baby. It's okay. Together… we will come back together."


	8. Her boys and their toys

Time to brings this thing back to the light again. It escaped a little and ran away to the darkness but it is back in the light again now.

Hope you like it x

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The last time he took her to a place that their love lingers it was dark and broken and shaky but this one, this one was born out of laughter and colour and there were so many others that were already laid out but he had to add this one. Now that he is thinking about it, he thinks it is perfect that this is how the stories fell, that it started with a fight and a reminder of who she was and then it got dark, really dark and turned into a desperate beating of hearts as one and now it is going to be light and fun and filled with colour and joy, it is perfect because that is exactly how they are. They are always flitting around, jumping all over the spectrum of life and living in extremes that they link together with silly moments and the truth of their love.

It was a week ago and they had been walking past the magic store when his face lit up. The grown man that she spent her nights with was gone, the nine-year old on a sugar rush was all that was left and she hated herself for chuckling but she did, she chuckled. Stupid man-child. He was so full of joy and there were new adventures and tricks rolling around his head and he's an idiot, an absolutely idiot. She loves him. The idiot.

His face fell though as he read the sign on the window, the sign that said, _Out of Business – Clearance Sale._ His face fell and he turned these huge pleading puppy-dog eyes on her, to which she responded "No, Castle. Absolutely not! You cannot buy a magic store."

He pouted and whined the whole way to the office building, continued to whine as soon as they finished interviewing their victim's boss. He pouted again when she said "Stop whining." They walked in silence then because she refused to give in to his bad-tempered little boy stomping down the street act. She stopped walking in-front of the store on the way back to the cruiser though and waited for him to lift his head. He caught her gaze and flashed a sad broken face her way. She laughed at his pathetic attempts and then laughed harder when he broke from character and smiled at her knowing exactly how pathetic and childish he was being.

He smiled because she laughed and sometimes he hates how much he loves her laugh because she laughs and he smiles even when he doesn't want to. He loves her laugh. He told her once that it twinkles because it does, it really does, but she twisted his ear for that and then he wasn't smiling, he was pouting then and that made her laugh and it is a twinkling thing and he smiled again. He smiled even though he wanted to fake injury a little longer, he smiled and he hates how much he loves her laugh. She nodded sideways to the store's door then and said "go on then" and suddenly his smile broke into an ecstatic squeal and he was off.

He jumped and carried his squeal along with him towards the door until he was suddenly lurched back as she grabbed a handful of the back of his jacket to slow him down, lay down his rules before letting him go wild. "Castle, wait for the rules okay?"

He turned around slowly then and huffed at her as his shoulders slumped and he whined out a "Fine… what are the rules?"

She had to laugh then, at her petulant little man-child. She shook her head at herself because sometimes it hits her how distressingly much she loves him in all his stupid forms. She isn't joking though, because she honestly has to do this, has to lay down the rules before she lets him go. So she laid down the rules in her voice that says _don't push your luck_ "Okay sulky, only two rules so you can quit pouting and be happy that you are getting in there at all. Number one – you cannot buy this store, this is not going to be Richard Castle's magic store. Number two – you cannot buy anything that will not fit in the car. Got it?"

He smiled then and it was a gleeful and goofy looking crooked thing and then he nodded emphatically before squealing and running through the door with a thump and an "Oh my god, this is so cool!"

She followed him with a smile that she attempted to hide, a smile she attempted to tell herself that she did not have. She followed him shaking her head as she went, hoping that for once, just once, he would just follow the rules.

She caught his wrist just as he was reaching the price tag on a huge box (apparently he was considering cutting someone in half, presumably her too, the idiot), she caught his wrist and said "Castle, what did I just say? Nothing that won't fit in the car!"

Yeah, he was pouting again, and she was laughing again, and he caught the way it twinkled again and he was smiling again and then she caught the way he was smiling, it was the way he smiled when he thought her laugh twinkled, which it doesn't, it does not, and then she pinched his ear and he was pouting again.

He was thinking about her rules then, the rules she laid down and a light bulb went off because it was perfect, another perfect plan to add to his master perfect plan. He was tempted to throw an evil laugh out there because he had another perfect plan and he will get away with it because technically it wouldn't be breaking the rules but then she smiled again and said, "You could also put your eyes back in your head if you like. We have been here before Castle, you loved that case and I know you loved this store but you have been here before, you have already seen all this stuff so maybe you could put your eyes back in your head, okay?"

Now a normal man would be embarrassed, would actually just push his eyes back in his head and move on, but he wasn't a normal man. He was her overly-excitable, absolutely untameable, wide-eyed, totally idiotic man-child and so his response was pushed at her in one excited rush of air that had just a hint of put on indignation in it, "Excuse me, Detective Beckett, I will absolutely not put my eyes back in my head because this is too good, this is too much, I have seen some of it before but there is new stuff and there is stuff that I missed because of you, because you are always in a hurry and you wouldn't let me buy anything and the only thing I got to buy were those x-ray glasses because I had to be fast and it had to fit in my pocket and there is just so much Kate, there is too much!" He was off again then, racing around the store and piling everything he could into his arms.

They returned to the precinct later that afternoon, her stalking towards her desk ready to get all the information they had on the board and start fitting all the pieces together, him trailing behind her with his arms full of his latest toys, mumbling and grumbling about how she could have carried something.

She finally had all the information on the board and then turned to get the information the boys had gathered from them. She turned and oh my god, that is exactly why she has to separate them; that is exactly why she can't let all her boys play together when she is not watching.

She turned around to find Ryan tied to his chair with some sort of never ending rope, glasses sitting crookedly on his face with eye balls on springs hanging out and bouncing up and down and a ridiculous smile on his face. Esposito with a bloody arrow through his head and fumbling around, his brow furrowed and jaw tight as he growled at the little trap he had his fingers caught in while his foot had somehow turned completely around and now sat the wrong way at the end of his leg. Then there was Castle of course, who had another pair of x-ray glasses because the first ones must have worked so well, a bolt through his head to match Espo's arrow, and was leaning over to the tied down Ryan and shooting a can of snakes in his face. They were all laughing then, throwing their heads back and laughing like little kids as the rest of their toys lay scattered around her desk.

She stood there smiling at her boys, realised she may as well call it a day because they were too far gone for any amount of glaring and harsh boss tones to bring them back now. She had to laugh at herself then because she realised that she was actually the proud owner of three childish buffoons who only occasionally disguised themselves as grown men. Idiots. Her moment of insane pride was broken by a "Yo, Beckett, this thing ain't even funny, seriously can you come help me? I can't get it off my fingers man, it is not even funny, I am actually going to die like this!"

She just sighed and set about rescuing her strongest, toughest and now sulking boy from the 'oh so scary' finger trap.

He was smiling then because it was going to be perfect; it was all going to be perfect, he just had to wait for the right time to take her there. He broke the rules, but not really, not technically, he would get away with it, it would be perfect.


	9. Kate Beckett's Magic Shop

It is the right time now. He thought he would have to wait so much longer. He thought that this thing would be scratching away at him and he would lose patience and take her there even if it wasn't the right time, but it is, it is the right time and it's perfect. It was born out of laughter and colour and light and it's perfect. It's the right time.

She came home last night and she was tired, she was so tired and her body was aching and she had been at work all day, it had been a long day. He had been home all day pretending to write and convincing himself that he wasn't procrastinating, it is just that he likes to work in a clean space and so it was obviously absolutely necessary that he clean out his desk draws because he likes to work in a clean space. He was at home and he was bored and he was waiting for her to come home and play with him. She had walked through the door and grumbled at him as he bounced around her with laser tag gear and an overly enthusiastic "Kate, Kate come on, I've been waiting!"

She had grumbled and he had begged. He had begged and fed her and given her a massage and begged again. He had begged and begged and she had said, "fine, yes, okay, fine but when I win this time I definitely deserve a present. Seriously when I win I get a present, okay?"

His response had been sarcastic and flippant and quick because he was excited and he was ready to play, he just threw the words "Oh sure Kate, _if you_ win I will get you a present, sure" and ran off to hide.

She had won of course and now it was the perfect time because he already had a present for her, he already had a present he was just waiting for the right time.

It is 11:30pm and she is still at the precinct, hunched over her paperwork and burning the last of her energy, but she just can't leave this one here, she can't face coming to work another day with this paper work still on her desk, it has to be done now. Her phone rings and she smiles at his photo lighting up the screen, a bolt sticking out the sides of his head and a lopsided grin. She slides her hand across the screen and issues a "Yes, Castle?"

He smiles into his phone because she said it like she was annoyed that he called, like she is so busy and he is disturbing her but he can hear the blushing amusement behind it all and she must be really bored if she answered with a game. He plays, he always plays, "Well Detective, I was just wondering how far along you are with that haunting paperwork my dear."

He gets exactly the response he thought he would from that and it makes him smile wider because he can hear the mirrored smile in her voice when she says, "Firstly don't call me that and secondly, I am just about to dot the last i and then I am out of here."

He hums into the phone at that and then replies in a sultry voice, "Good, because if you are not too tired I was thinking I could give you your present tonight."

She sends him a smoky little chuckle for that and says in her scratchy late night voice, "You know what? I was really tired but I think finally getting rid of all this paper work has given me an extra bit of buzzing energy that I should probably get rid of tonight. Don't you think?"

His throat closes then because he was playing her, he was teasing her and then she teased back and now he is actually thinking about just waiting for her to come home and helping her get rid of that energy, but it is perfect and he wants to give it to her now so he just plays along, lets her think she is winning this game like she usually does, "Oh, um, yeah I think, I definitely think" he stutters it out.

She laughs then, full and throaty, she laughs and ends the call on an "Okay Rick, I'm coming home."

She is climbing into the cab when his text comes through.

_The first time you mentioned that trick you do with the ice cubes. Remember?_

She squints at the text then because she remembers, of course she remembers and she is smiling then because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and of course she remembers, but she was on her way home and he just spoke to her and what is he talking about? She reads it again then and the last word catches her attention because it is this new thing they have. He asks if she remembers and she comes, she follows the memory, the story and the love and she comes. She gets it then and she quickly spurts out the change of address to the cab driver.

She gets to the store and looks up and down the sidewalk but he isn't there and it is almost midnight now and she is starting to think that she had it wrong. She doesn't think she has it wrong though, because he knew what she would do, knew that if he asked her if she remembered she would follow the memory and the story and the love, so she doesn't think she is wrong. She walks up to the door of the store then and pushes against it, it swings open a little and so she pushes through into the darkness.

As soon as she sets foot in the door the lights flash on and a toy clown jumps out of a cupboard that hangs on the wall next to the door, its laughter like something from a nightmare. She has her hand on her weapon and her heart is pounding, the tiredness and exhaustion shot straight out of her and her veins racing with adrenalin. Her focus is heightened and pointed then and she sees the words scribbled in his hand writing on the inside of the clown containing cupboard door:

_**For Kate who pretends she doesn't believe in magic.**_

_**From Rick who sees straight through her.**_

"See I can see straight through you." She spins at the sound of his voice, eyes wide and heart picking up again.

She spins around and finds him standing there hands on his hips like superman, who he probably thinks he is, and those stupid x-ray glasses on his face along with a smug smile like he actually believes he might be funny. Her lips quirk but she pushes the smile away and rolls her eyes instead.

"Oh, lame Castle… really, lame" she says in a tone that says _no I was not smiling and no I was not scared… shut up, idiot._

He laughs at that, throws his head back and lets his laugh bubble up from deep in his chest before throwing it into the midnight air.

She stares at him a moment longer and then his laughter reaches out and catches her, pulls her in and then she laughs to, feels her body shaking with it before she gets out a "Seriously Castle? You bought me a terrifying, laughing clown… that is my present?"

He stops laughing then and walks over to her, he wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close, kisses her a greeting on her lips and then he pulls back and smiles at her before leaning back in and whispering in her ear, "No Kate, I bought you the store."

She slaps her hands into his chest pushes him back and he is laughing already because he knew she would hit him and she is just so predictable sometimes. He looks at her face then and he laughs even more because she looks so annoyed that he is laughing and he knew she would look exactly like that. She slaps his chest again and says "Castle, no, you didn't. You did not buy this place. Please tell me you did not buy this place, what did I say Castle, what was the rule?"

He is smiling a wicked smile at her now and she doesn't understand what he thinks he is getting away with because he is definitely not getting away with this. His words come out dark and confident and she hates that wants to kiss him when he says, "The rule, Kate, was that I was not allowed to buy this shop, that this could not be Richard Castle's magic shop and it's not Kate. It is not Richard Castle's magic shop… it is Kate Beckett's magic shop. It belongs to her."

Her lips quirk up at the corners then and she raises him one eyebrow because okay, that is a little bit clever, but he is still an idiot who bought her a magic shop as a present for winning and game of laser tag and that sentence just reminds her how ridiculous her entire life is.

She chuckles at him then because he is ridiculous and she can't believe him sometimes. She chuckles and she says "Seriously Castle? You bought me a magic shop because I won a game of laser tag? You really are a ridiculous fool, you know that right?"

He laughs with her and pulls her back in, loops himself around her and speaks into her lips, "Firstly, yes I do know that and secondly, I didn't buy it for that reason, it just so happened to work out that way."

She kisses him then, hums into him and soaks him up before the words really sink in and she pulls back with a "what?" falls past her parted lips.

He is smiling again, this time because she is beautiful, so beautiful when she is like this, surprised and dazed and hanging in his arms. She is beautiful and so he pulls her closer and whispers it into her ear again, "I bought this place for you because the first time we came here you showed me a little bit more of who you used to be, of how you used to believe in magic before the world took it away from you and then the other week when we came in here it looked like you believed again, like somehow you took back what you deserved and believed in magic again. So I bought it for you because we left a little bit of our story and our love here and they were going to sell everything and leave and I just… it wasn't all theirs to sell you know? So anyway I bought it for you. It is actually, seriously, in your name, so I didn't technically break any rules."

All he hears is "Oh, Rick…" and then her lips are on his and there is fire coursing through him and he knows he got away with it. Her hands are running through his hair and tugging him closer and her mouth is harsh and demanding and then all of a sudden it is gone.

He opens his hazy eyes and looks around, is a little startled to find that she is already at the door, holding it open and waiting for him to catch up. He reaches her and she swipes her thumb across the corner of his mouth before saying, "Come on, there are a few more tricks I haven't told you about…"

She is out the door then and it hits him square on the forehead as he stands there like an idiot just gaping after her and waiting for his feet to get the message from his brain to start moving. Move!


	10. She literally ran away

A lot of people think that KB should have grown and changed and I think in many ways that may be true and she may have but I also think that sometimes the things that you may have hated about someone, you learn to love those things once they are yours, because they are yours. I was a little nervous about this chapter because it is a bit different, a bit more one sided. You will get the other side in the next chapter though. This may not be the ideal reaction that people would want but I hope you can be open to following the flow of it anyway. Enjoy x

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His thoughts were spiralling, a tornado whipping around in his mind and he was reeling with all the emotions that were being picked up and flung around. It tore through him and sent his body into overdrive trying to keep up. His heart was thumping about gracelessly in his chest, his stomach was clenching and crawling, his lungs were rejecting air, his skin was slick with sweat and then there was a moment of calm before the tornado of thoughts flattened out into a single lightning bolt that shot straight down his spine. One single electric thought that spread in shocking and overpowering waves through his body until it was the only thing left. One single thought of a little girl, a miniature Kate Beckett, no, a miniature Katherine Castle. His heart stopped.

His heart has stopped and he is not breathing. Katherine Castle with her thumb wrapped up in the fingers of a little girl with inquisitive hazel eyes that tell a beautiful story, chestnut curls that bounce because she never walks, she only skips, a dazzling smile that will win her the world and a pocketful of hearts that she stole throughout the day. Katherine and Richard Castle and their little heartbreaker. He is sitting next to her on their lounge, she is tired and drained and curled up leaning against an oversized cushion and his heart has stopped, he is not breathing.

The thoughts have been spinning around slowly in his head all day, slowly twisting and turning and consuming him from the moment he heard the little squeal coming from the elevator in the afternoon. He had been watching her body and her eyes, the way it moved, the way they sparkled and how different she looked when she was with him. All the hard, strong lines of her were softened, became almost fluid, when she was with Kevin's little boy who was not even three and already knew what it was like to love and be loved by an extraordinary woman. The young Ryan came hurtling out of the precinct elevator, squealing little noises that broke every time his body fell back to earth with his bounding feet, high pitched excited noises that sounded something like "Aunty Kate" if you put them all together. Kate had lifted her head and spun in her chair at the first little squeak from the boy's mouth; she caught sight of him a moment later and dropped to her knees in front of her chair. She looked stunning, her hair seemed lighter, her body looked warm and soft and her eyes, her eyes were dancing with love. Her arms were stretched out wide and her face was flushed a light shade of pink, her lips curved up with the smile that had started in her eyes. The little boy was the spitting image of Kevin; he was dressed in a t-shirt that had a tie and vest printed on it with little dark jeans and his hair spiked up. The kid was charming and suave already. His Nike clad feet (courtesy of Uncle Javi) were slapping on the precinct floor as he picked up speed, heading straight for the embrace he had been squealing about. He slammed into her chest and heaved in all the breaths he had lost in his endeavour to reach her. She wrapped her arms tight around him, bundled him up and smacked a loud kiss onto his cheek. They were both quiet and still then, the little boy wrapped up in her and both of them just breathing each other in. They did that every time, both just held on tight and shared a secret moment, shared something that nobody else got to share, then they would cling to each other with matching smiles as they re-joined the world. They were smiling then, the two of them, as she held him close and stood up. The boy swung to the side and wrapped his legs around her ribs, twisted his fingers together around her neck and tucked his head under her chin. She pulled her head back and he follow suit, hung from her neck and looked at her with wide blue eyes before she said, "Hey, little man, I missed you!" He smiled then, all his little teeth and his pink gums shining at her before he swung his head back towards her and landed a hard sucking kiss on her cheek. She laughed, a warm laugh that she only laughed for the little one and reached up to squash his button noise, giving him a little beep noise when she pressed it. The blonde haired, blued eyed little thing gave her the chuckle that he reserved only for her and then buried his head again. She squeezed tighter and then placed a palm on the back of his head, surrounding him and keeping him protected and warm in a cold and brutal world. She kissed his forehead then laid her cheek on top of his head, and then they both closed their eyes and she rocked him back into their secret place again.

They went back to their secret place but the way her body had moved, the way her eyes had danced and shone and the way her lips had been pulled up with the force of her love for this little life had been burned into his mind and had sent his thoughts into a twisting torrent that just kept gathering strength all day. Now he is sitting with her in their lounge room and she is looking at him because he is not breathing and his heart has stopped and he is staring at her like she is the only one who can bring him back to life.

"Castle?" She questions him gently, her eyes are wide and concern spread over her face, it has crinkled her brow and tipped her head slightly to the right as she regards him.

The thought had torn through his body, picked up all his emotions and thrown them around, let them fall haphazardly in his mind, landing on top of each other, flattening each other and then he was in the eye of the storm and there was a split second of eerie calmness before the tornado disappeared, flattened itself out into a single bolt of electricity that shot through his body and sent him into a violent state of shock, then he heard her voice pulling him back, his body started up again and he just spat it out like a confession. He hates that he spat it out like a confession.

"I want to make a little girl just like you."

Her brows shoot up, her forehead crinkling in the other direction, her eyes widen and her lips fall slack. She is silent and staring at him dumbly before she chokes out a "Castle, I… we-"

He cuts her off then, because there was a split second of eerie calmness before the lightning struck and in that moment his brain had tried to tell his mouth to shut it because this is not how they play. They talk about this stuff sometimes, in passing and in subtext. They sort of talk about it sometimes but they always play at her pace. Sometimes the conversation starts with a joke or a fleeting comment. Always her joke or fleeting comment, but he catches it every time, hears the words that are buried underneath the humour and false lightness and then sometimes they kind of talk about it but they don't talk about the fact that they talked about it. They keep it in subtext. That is how they play this; they always play at her pace because she is flighty when she is scared, when she is overwhelmed. She is a runner by nature. She has always been a runner and he knows that. If she can't control it, if she doesn't understand it, she shuts down and hides behind walls and avoids the issue and she holds everything at bay before the pressure builds and then he smashes a hole in the wall and it all rushes out and sweeps over her. She clings to him then, she clings to him to stop herself from drowning. He keeps her head above water, keeps her safe.

He used to hate it. He used to hate the way she bottles everything up and runs away. Before she was his he hated it because he was terrified that she would just keep running and he would never catch up, terrified that she would build all these walls around her heart and he would never be able to crash through them. He used to hate it but now that she is his he doesn't hate it so much, he loves her, in every single way, flaws and all, he loves her. This is just how they play now; they play like they always played, and then sometimes his mouth runs away with his mind and she runs away and hides. She comes back though, she always comes back. He doesn't mind it so much anymore because she always comes back and he loves her and it is a little bit cute the way she goes back into her shell and then sticks her head out slowly, makes sure it is safe before coming back out a slightly shyer version of the Kate that when in. He doesn't mind it because they are just different, they balance each other out, he likes to live out loud and take everyone he knows with him on his journeys, she likes to live in solitude, likes to work it out on her own. She just meets him at the end and he doesn't mind anymore, he isn't scared anymore.

He knows that she is a runner though, and there was a moment before his mouth opened when everything went still, everything was calm and he knew in that moment that he shouldn't say anything, that she would run because this wasn't her pace and they are meant to play at her pace but the thought tore through his body, picked up all his emotions and threw them around and then a single bolt of electricity shot through his body and her voice was bringing him back to life and it just fell out. He cuts her off because she is going to run, he knows that, but he has already said it now and he needs her to know that he won't take it back. She is just going to have to run away and come back to him because he is not taking it back now, he can't. He loves her; he wants another one, a little tiny one.

"Kate, don't. Don't freak out okay… I'm not saying right now, but we have spoken about this, you and I both know that we have spoken about this; I'm not saying right now but soon Kate, soon. I just, I love the way you love. You love so fiercely and softly and I want to make a miniature you just so I can watch the way you love every day. I want to be able to watch the way you love our child Kate. I love you and I want to make a little girl just like you. I want a little girl who you can take to a secret world, a little girl for you to love." His voice is surprisingly steady, he is proud of how it sounds.

Her heart has stopped. She is not breathing and her heart has stopped and she is staring at him like he is the only one that has ever been able to knock the life right out of her. She can't breathe. Her heart is flipping over itself and getting tangled up, her lungs are not even pretending to fight anymore, they are just flat and her body is trembling and burning with the force of his beautiful words and his piercing, honest gaze.

She does run then, but she still surprises him with it because there is no silent shutting down and building walls and avoidance tactics and closing off. There is no damming of emotions and no pressurised wave of release this time. She literally runs… with her feet.

It was all fast and loud movements and then it was all silence and empty space. He can't believe she actually just turned and took off. He wants to laugh. She ran away. He is laughing now. God, he loves her. She ran away… on her feet. He can't stop laughing now. She'll come back.


	11. Soon, Rick, soon

Okay I know this story is a little bit all over the place but relationships are like that don't you think? When you look back on them they are snippets of laughs and tears and miscommunication and things that only you could love. Sometimes there are even moments of silent communication born out of intimate knowledge. I hope you guys are enjoying this. Thanks for reading x

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He told her not to freak out. She's freaking out!

She is running, she cannot believe she is running but her blood is pumping fast around her body, thrumming through her veins and her feet are pounding down on the footpath, she can't catch up to her own breath and her thoughts are clouding her vision. She loves him and she hates the she is running because he specifically told her not to freak out and she freaking out. She seriously cannot believe she actually just ran away, she's just running, she doesn't even know where she is running, she is just running.

She didn't know where she was running to until she got here. It's raining now and she wants to laugh at the universe because of course it is raining, it really wouldn't be right if it wasn't raining. She has only sat here twice before and of course it is raining now. The first time it didn't rain, the sun was beating down and it was bright again, for the first time since a bullet was pulled from her chest and her heart started beating on its own, it was bright again. The first time it was bright and warm and he was there. The second time he wasn't there. He wasn't there and it was dark and the world was broken and everything was moving too quickly and she couldn't catch up and it was raining. He's not here and it's raining now and she wants to laugh at the universe because of course it is raining. She sits on the lone swing set, lets the rain slowly soak through her clothes and feels each drop bleed into her skin and join the tears she can feel welling and twisting through her bloodstream waiting for release.

She is sitting on her swing because this place clears the fog; it centres her and always brings her back to him. She realises then that she does this now. She is sentimental now and she goes back to all these little places all over the city that hold a piece of her story. She goes back to collect a piece of her story when she needs to be reminded. It's just another way he has seeped into her veins, another one of the little ways she feels him beating through her and changing the ways of her world. She does this now, she quietens the noise and fine tunes her senses to live half in memory and half in life.

She catches her breathe then, the rains washes the panic away and she lets her body rock back into a normal rhythm. He loves her and she loves him and she knows that but it doesn't take away her fear. She is brave enough to admit that she is scared and she is. She is scared. It's different with him though, the fear. It's a different kind of fear now because with the others, with the ones that came before, she kept one foot out the door, because she knew that if she went all in, if she took the next step, she would be stepping into something that she knew she didn't want. She didn't know what she wanted exactly, but she knew what she didn't want and she was scared that she wouldn't be able to turn back. She was wasting time in nowhere relationships with men she didn't love. He told her that once. He was right. She's scared now though but it's not the same fear. She isn't afraid of getting into something that she doesn't want and then not being able to turn around again. She's not afraid of that. She knows what she wants and she loves him. That is why she is afraid. She loves him. She is so damn in love with him that it hurts, things like this hurt because she is so terrified of how much she loves him. It shouldn't hurt this much. He holds her heart. This childish, silly, spontaneous, easily distracted, arrogant, self-centred, jack-ass of a sweet and kind-hearted man is the keeper of her heart and it is the most terrifying thing she has ever faced. Love. It is terrifying. She's still afraid now but it's a different fear, it's not a fear of walking into something she knows she doesn't want, it is a fear of staring straight at everything she has ever wanted, everything that feels right and screwing it up. She is crying now because what if she screws this up. She is terrified and shaking and crying now because she won't survive if she screws this up and only with him has love and heartache been the same thing.

She is swinging back and forth when his words start circling her mind and then she sobs out a laugh because he is absolutely ridiculous, he wants to make a little girl exactly like her and that's ridiculous because all she wants is a little boy with big blue eyes, who runs instead of walking, with a smile that could charm the whole world, scruffy hair and a boyish laugh that never grows old. She wants to make a little boy just like him and the fear of how much she loves him is tearing her apart.

She is shaking her head and trying to tame the fear when she catches site of it. The clouds have shifted, been blown off course in the atmosphere and the sun is breaking free. A few rays have managed an escape and caught on the door across the road from where she swings. She slows to a still then, her gaze captured by the glinting sunlight on the bookstore's door. She jumps off the swing then and pushes her way through the rain, across the road and towards the door because she is intrigued now and the detective in her is screaming to find out what it is that captured the light. As she gets closer to the door, the metal plate throws the sunlight it has capture back at her. She huddles closer and blocks the sun's rays. That is when she sees the words engraved into the plate:

_**Every single word will always be made out to Kate**_

The tears are silent now, mingling with the rain in a combined effort to rinse her fear away. Her fear is washed away by his love, his words and their story because this is it. She knows that this is it. The words are for her, all of them, always. This is it. She won't screw it up. He won't let her and she won't let him and this is it.

She swipes at her tears as she huffs out the last of her fear and her face lights up with a smile, the laughs lines he gave her crinkle her face and she laughs as she catches her reflection in the glass door. She pulls it open then and takes shelter inside this place that holds one of their many different beginnings, although they never truly had an end, won't ever truly have an end, just different beginnings. She takes and few shaky steps before sinking down into one the plush chairs at the back table.

She texts him then so he can follow the memory, the story and the love. He will follow it all and come to her and she will tell him yes, not yet, but soon. That is what she will say, soon Rick, soon.

She texts him and she waits.

She ran away but she'll come back. He has just been sitting at his desk and waiting for her to come back. His phone buzzes and skids along the desk and he grabs it in a second, is ready to answer and hear her slightly sheepish voice but his eyes widen when he realises it is a text. It is a text and she is a little bit like him now, if the words are important she writes them down and she didn't call, she sent him a text. His breathing is picking up now because he thought he knew what happened, he thought he got it and she was going to come back, he had even laughed because he loves her so much and she ran away and he laughed. Now she isn't calling though, she is not calling and he is panicking because maybe it is not what he thought. He tells himself to calm his breathing and swipes his thumb across his phone, his body has trapped all the air inside like it may never get another breath and he just barely makes out the words:

_Every single word will always be made out to Kate._

His breath rushes out as he chokes out a relieved chuckle and grabs his coat. She came back.

She is waiting now and hoping that he still means the words that he left here for her, she is waiting, just waiting because they do that. For each other, they do that, they both just wait.

He crashes through the door, clumsy as ever and it hits her hard in the gut again how madly she loves this crazy fool. His broad shoulders are pushing the door open behind him and then he turns around and he is there, two coffees in hand and staring at her. She catches his gaze then and they are both just looking, reading each other's bodies to see where they stand now. He approaches her slowly and places her coffee on the table in-front of her. Her heart is attacking her ribcage now because she ran away, she is only just remembering that she ran away and her heart is clenching now because she cannot believe she ran away and she needs to explain it to him, she needs to give him all her words and then say soon, Rick, soon.

She is about to open her mouth but then he leans down. He leans down and places a gentle and relieved and she thinks it may even be a happy little kiss on her cheek. She looks at him with surprised and beautiful eyes and he just grabs her hand, pulls her up, picks up her coffee and pushes it into her other hand and starts leading her home.

She doesn't know what is happening, why he isn't raging mad, why he is kissing her gently and taking her home. She wants to tell him everything, she wants him to fight with her and she wants to cry and she wants him to cry and then she wants to tell him soon, Rick, soon. He turns to her then though and steals her words.

"I know. Soon, Kate, soon. Oh and I love you too."

Her mouth snaps shut and then they are silently pushing through the door and he is taking her home.

She loves him. This is it. Soon, Rick, soon.

He loves that she found this one on her own, it's perfect. He autographed the city for her and she found it on her own, she found the words when she needed them, just like she opens up her old books when she needs those stories that saved her.


	12. He's going home - it'll be perfect

We are getting there little readers, almost at the ending. There are so many ideas for more little middle bits floating around in my head but I had planned on following the same type of plan as Castle has been following in this story and letting the middle bits lead naturally to the ending. They have led to the ending now and I hope you have enjoyed following them here. Probably only one more chapter to go. I hope that your reading experience has been as enjoyable as my writing one x

* * *

He is signing books, the line doesn't seem to be getting any shorter and he is signing book after book. He is writing name after name and none of them are hers and all he wants to do is fly back home, back to Kate. The last fan steps up to the table and she is sweet, she is young and innocent and she has been here all day with her smile shining brightly. He smiles then too because she isn't there for him really, she is there for the words that he shares and he can see it all over her face that she treasures them like a precious gift. It makes him smile. He signs her book and then looks around the now empty store, he rolls his neck and cracks his back, stretches out his fingers and then makes his way over to thank the staff. He walks out in the cool evening air and he knows he is sulking but all he wants to do is go home to Kate instead of a cold and empty bed in a hotel room so he doesn't care that he is sulking.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he fishes it out while he waits for Gina to finish up talking with the staff. He smiles his first real smile when he sees it is a message from her but his smile drops off his face as soon as he read the words:

_I know you are busy and you said you wouldn't have time to call me until tonight but I have to tell you something urgently. It is terrible Castle and I don't know what to do. Call me when you can._

He calls. He calls straight away and he is pacing along the footpath with every ring that echoes over the line and into his body. She needs to answer her phone, she needs to answer now.

His face lights up her phone and she fights the smile that spreads across her lips because she has told him a million times not to fiddle with her phone, that it is her work phone too and she needs to be professional but yet here she is looking at a photo of a rumpled Castle, still in bed, head mashed down into a pillow and sparkling morning eyes looking back at her while he holds a sign that has 'come back to bed' scrawled across it. The phone starts skidding along her desk and she remembers the message she sent him. She grabs it and answers in the saddest voice she can muster.

"Hey Castle"

He is so frantic that it takes a while for him to register that she answered, she answered. He is panicked and breathing heavily when he replies, "Kate! I got your message, what happened? What's wrong? What's going on Kate, tell me what's going on?"

She is trying desperately not to laugh, she thinks she might have squeaked but she can't be sure because all she can hear is his panicked questions and heavy breathing and maybe she should feel a little bit bad but she can't right now because she wants to laugh. She swallows the laugh and dramatizes her anguish a little more when she says. "Oh, Castle, I just don't even know what to do."

He doesn't know what to do either, he needs to be there, he wants to reach out and hold her, wrap her up. He doesn't know what to do and he just wants to start running to her, he can't breathe and he can't think and he doesn't understand. "Kate, what is it? Bub I need you to tell me what is happening okay?"

She feels a little bit bad now, because he called her bub and they don't do that, neither of them really do that often which means he really is freaking out, he is terrified right now, he is scared and hurting for her. She feels a little bit bad and she misses him because he called her bub and she just really misses him. She needs to hear his laugh though, so she keeps playing because he doesn't know he is playing yet but he'll play with her when he realises. She pushes a shaky voice to him over the already crackly line and starts explaining it to him slowly, "Okay, you know how the coffee machine you bought us has been playing up?"

His breath has calmed down a little and she is smiling because she can see his face now, the way his brow must be furrowed and his head must be dipped as he concentrates on her words, makes sure he catches them all and lines them up nicely so he can get the whole story together. She waits for his response before she keeps going.

"Ah, yeah…" He is confused and she wishes she could kiss him through the phone right now. He is adorable when he is flustered and doesn't understand. She just keeps playing though.

"Yeah, well the most awful thing happened today Castle… it just… died. The coffee machine, Castle, it's gone. I don't know what to do."

He laughs then, loud and throaty and relieved. He is laughing and it is his real laugh, the one that pauses in between for him to suck in a breath and then comes out a different tone after every pause like it is a new laugh from each part of his body. She is smiling and laughing now too because his body must be shaking with the force of his laugh and he is on the street, she can hear the cars going past and everyone must be staring at him but he hasn't noticed yet because she can hear the laugh still rolling through him. She loves his laugh, she has been waiting all morning for his laugh.

He calms himself down then and brings himself back to her, "That's not funny Kate, I was freaking out."

She is smiling wider now because she can hear in his voice the way he is trying to flick the laughter and joy of his face and pretend to be hurt, she can see how he must be pursing his lips and thinking his face looks serious. She doesn't bother hiding her smile, she lets it leak into her tone when she questions him, "Oh yeah, then why are you laughing?"

"Because I love you." That is not a joke and she can hear how low his voice dropped with the sincerity of it, he was still chuckling because it was funny and they both know it, but it was the deep chuckle that he only gives her. She misses him.

Castle hears Gates calling out to Beckett in the background and the conversation is quick, rushed and breathy on both ends then before it drops off and she goes back to work.

"Castle, I've got no coffee without you."

"I miss you too, Kate."

She is gone then and he is standing in the middle of the street in some place he can't even remember the name of and he is smiling because she is too cute sometimes and then he is laughing because he realises that he is too afraid of bodily harm to ever tell her that.

He and Gina get in a cab and are heading back to the hotel when he checks his watch and it hits him. He turns to her and says "Gina, I'm going home." She turns on him, her sharp features pointed at him and her eyes threatening daggers when she snaps, "Like hell you are, we still have another week of this tour and you are not bailing now. You are not going home!" He's looking out the window, doesn't even notice the daggers that now hang out of his back. He is looking out the window at the world that passes by and he is smiling because it's perfect. He is going home and it is perfect, right now, it is perfect.

It has been months since she found his autograph on the city and her eyes said, soon, Rick, soon. It has been a few more months since Kate Beckett's magic shop and a night full of tricks that he still doesn't think he has recovered his senses from. A couple more months since she taught him how to breathe and they came back together. It has been over a year since the fight and the bench. He didn't want all this to start with a fight but it was perfect. It was perfect and this whole thing started with a love story that he didn't see, it got dark and then it was a secret love again and then it got light and then hopeful and then it almost swallowed them but she pulled them back and then it got light and fun and full of colour and then it was a silent sincere intimate love and now it is perfect. He had written the ending before the beginning and he let all the middle bits fall into place until they led him to the end and they've led him to the end now, it's perfect. There are middle bits still floating all around the city. There are even some outside the city because he started leaving bits of their love to linger in all the places that they loved each other, in all the places he loves her, in all the places he thought of her and she is everywhere. She is in everything. He sees little bits of her in everything around him and so there are still plenty of middle bits that she hasn't seen yet but she will, she can keep discovering them long after the end; she will still be able to find them when she needs them. He thinks that's perfect too.

It had been planned for next week, for when he got home, but the coffee machine broke today and it's perfect.

He is not meant to be there and she won't be expecting it now. She won't be expecting it and she is usually the one who surprises him, flips him over and leaves him flailing like a drowning idiot but he is not meant to be there and it is going to be perfect because sometimes she is the drowning idiot and she looks so god damn beautiful when she is flailing around stupidly in love with him. His smile is threatening his face now, his cheeks are twitching with the pressure of his happiness because it is perfect, it is so perfect and he is excited. He has never been so sure of an ending before, he has never written and ending first and now he is going home.

He leaves a fuming Gina in his dust at the hotel and races his way to the airport. He pulls out his phone and makes phone call after phone call, tells everyone that he needs it all done a week early, he needs it all today. They all know the story, know that this is the only ending he has been one hundred per cent sure about and by the time he is at the airport he has been assured that it will all be ready before he gets home.

He makes one more phone call before he boards the plane. He calls the boys, tells them where their café is and tells them that one of them needs to get Kate her coffee asap and hand deliver it to her desk in exchange for the Ferrari this weekend. Then he stops the bickering between Ryan and Esposito about who is going to get the coffee and who gets the Ferrari because for some reason Esposito seems to think that Ryan is dumb enough to cop a deal in which he goes to get the coffee but Esposito gets the Ferrari. He thinks they are both just stupid and he kind of misses them too. He stops the fight by telling them the rest of the plan and what he needs. Esposito says he is on it, says that Ryan will get the coffee and he will distract Beckett. He says she is really busy and she is going to be mad about wasting time and that if he sends Ryan in to do the job he will run away scared when she explodes. He says that he is brave, unlike Ryan, and can face Beckett one on one. Ryan says he can't, says that Esposito thinks he is brave but he isn't, and that Beckett loves him and he would have a better chance at keeping her away longer because she won't kill him, she loves him more than she loves Esposito. Esposito calls him a mumma's boy and Ryan says if anyone is a mumma's boy it is him, Esposito says that makes Ryan daddy's little girl. He cuts in then, tells them to just shut up and get it done and then adds that she loves them both equally. They are still bickering and pulling each other's hair on the other end of the line so he hangs up. They are just so stupid, but he misses them and he trusts them and they will get it done.

He takes his seat on the plane and he runs back through his messages, makes sure everything is set in place. He reads the message she sent him again and he laughs then because how did he not catch that? Kate would never send him a message like that; if it was really something terrible and she couldn't get a hold of him she would say _Rick - Call Me. Now._ She would never send a slightly hysterical message to him like that. He is chuckling to himself as he buckles himself in. He got played and he should have seen it coming. She is intelligent and hilarious and utterly extraordinary and now he is thinking that he is so in love with her that he can't really remember what it feels like to not be in love with her. He is smiling again and the butterflies he didn't know he was hording wake up and reach havoc in his stomach, he cannot wait to get home and start the ending. He is jiggling his legs up and down and shaking now because the excitement is overwhelming and he can't wait, he cannot wait.

The ending is perfect, he wrote the ending first. It is going to be perfect.


	13. The promise

This is it...

* * *

He gets the secret signal from Esposito across the road and he chuckles because the man is a cop, a badass cop and he still loves a secret mission as much as any other little boy. He gets into position then. The new coffee machine is in its box and he slides into the bottom of the delivery trolley, folds himself over and squeezes into the tight space before tapping the metal bottom twice and letting the pimply faced skinny high school drop-out know that he is ready. They decided on a secret entry into the building rather than relying on Espo to keep Beckett out long enough for him to sneak in because Ryan made a good point when he said that even if Espo thought he was brave enough to go head to head with an angry Beckett, doesn't mean he would have a chance in hell of winning.

Ryan made a good point and he is so glad he was actually listening this time because the trolley stops. The trolley stops just before being loaded onto the elevator and he hears her voice approaching them, "Esposito seriously, I am not going and neither are you. We have work to do, this case is not going to solve itself and I want it done before Castle gets back because you know what he will be like if he sees this one."

His back is aching and his legs are scrunched, his neck feels like it has been folded in three places which really cannot even be safe and what is she doing here? More importantly what is this case that she doesn't want him to see? He really wants to see it now. He hears Esposito then, "Oh come on Beckett it will only take like ten minutes and I need your help with this. Come on Becks, I would do it for you."

He is still folded into this tiny space and he has to give Esposito some credit because that actually sounded genuine and there really isn't much that he wouldn't do for Kate, actually he can't think of anything and so he may have just cornered her. Guilt. The desperate man's play. He doesn't care how he does it though, he just needs Esposito to get her out of here so he can straighten the kinks out of his body. It is Kate's voice again then and he thinks it may be game over already because he knows this tone very well. He and this tone have met many times, duelled many times, and each time, this tone has won and he has walked away with his tail between his legs.

"Javier Esposito if you do not shut your mouth and get back to work I am going to shoot you. Do you understand me?"

There is silence then. Huh, maybe Esposito really is as brave as he thinks he is. He is just thinking that he may have to tell Ryan that they have been underestimating Espo all this time but then he hears the tone again and this time he can hear the edge that the tone gets when you have a Kate Beckett right up in your face.

"Esposito, I said, do you understand me?"

He almost laughs when he hears the response, has to clamp his hand over his mouth to hold in the sound. Esposito, bravest of them all and ready to go head to head with one Kate Beckett just let out a shaky and squeaky little "Yes, boss" followed by a loud enough to be audible inside the bottom of a delivery trolley swallow. Yep, game over.

They are moving then and he catches sight of her heels from beneath the sheet that is covering both the trolley and him. He is sweating now because she is not only a detective, she is New York's finest detective and also, she is some kind of ninja. He is sweating now because if he breathes too loudly or misses a heartbeat, she will know. She will seriously know and if she finds him down here they are all going to die. He is freaking out down here and Esposito sucks. He sucks and as soon as they get up there he is going to tell Ryan just how much his stupid partner sucks.

He hears the elevator doors open and the familiar hustle and bustle of the homicide floor flow into his cacoon. Then he hears her footsteps, the steady and strong beating of her heels on the floorboards, the sound that lets the rest of the floor know she is there, the sound that claims the floor as her own and the sound that usually tells him to get the coffee ready. He is smiling then because he has even missed her footsteps and he rolls his eyes at himself because even he knows that's pathetic and sickening. Even Ryan would think that is a pathetic level of love. Even Jenny would think so.

She only pays attention to the delivery boy when she realises that he was heading to her floor. She sinks into her chair and shoots Esposito one last glare that says she better have her report before he even thinks about taking another step away from his desk and then she turns her attention to the box being wheeled past her. She sees it then, the picture on the box showing her a brand new coffee machine and her smile cracks wide open. She is watching the delivery boy retreating into the break room with a silly lovesick smile on her face because she is constantly surprised by this man. She is wondering how on earth he managed it so quickly. She was already thrown off when Ryan handed her a cup of coffee from their favourite café but she understands how cell phones work so she figured that one out pretty quickly, but this, she doesn't know how he did this. It has only been a few hours since she complained about the other one being broken. She turns to Esposito then and asks, "Seriously, that is why you tried to get me out of here? How did he do it?"

Esposito is smiling then, a smug little thing, and she hates that all three of her boys have matching smirks that they only wear when they have ganged up on her and think that together they may be smarter than her, she hates that stupid face. He tosses his reply to her as he spins out of his chair and shrugs his shoulders, "He said he knows a guy. I'm gonna go get it set up."

He knows a guy. Of course he does.

She yells out to him just as he reaches the break room, "Espo, you have twenty minutes and then you better find that partner of yours and get back here. I'm serious, okay, twenty minutes and then no more toys, I need those reports".

He throws his own words back with that same stupid smirk as he does a three sixty and flings himself into the break room before closing the blinds and the door, "Twenty minutes of play time. Got it!"

He hears Esposito's last few words and then he hears to door close. He lifts a corner of the sheet and peers out, checks the area for any signs of a stalking Beckett before unfolding himself and climbing out of the trolley. He turns and faces the delivery boy and then smiles when he catches the look on his face. It is a mix between stumped stupidity and graceless attraction. He feels sorry for the kid because he knows exactly what it is like the first time a Kate Beckett crosses your path. He tips him and the kid scampers out of the precinct with a now empty trolley.

He turns to Esposito then and says, "Hey man, real brave back there!" He gets a slap in the face instead of a response and he laughs because he should have seen it coming.

The break room door swings open and before his brain can supply some kind of thought he hits the deck. He is lying face down in the middle of the floor and then he hears Ryan's laughing voice, "Hey Castle, nice hiding man. Beckett would never have seen you." He stands up and walks over to Ryan, slaps his face instead of responding and then they all laugh because Ryan also should have seen it coming.

They all head over to the box on the counter then, the boys already got rid of the old machine and he gives them each a slap on the back for that. They are staring at the box and building up the courage to attack this task but when Ryan says, "Okay boys, let's do this" Castle pulls the box off the top of the machine and reveals a fully built, polished and shined coffee machine. They all stand and look at their beautiful new toy for a minute before Esposito turns to him and says "Good luck man." Ryan steps up then and says, "Hey man, we're all happy it's you. Good luck." They both slap him on the back and then they reach forward and open the blinds before going back into the bullpen and closing the door behind him.

He is alone then and he is staring at the coffee machine and suddenly it is too silent, he is too alone and the butterflies have all stilled and fallen to the pit of his stomach and he isn't so sure about this anymore. He is not sure, he thought it would be perfect but what if it's not. What if this isn't right? He is sweating again.

He ducks down below the counter and he can just see her from this position. She is stunning. She spots the boys making their way back and she smiles at them, he sees her mouth moving then and her smile turns smug, he turns his attention to the boys then and has to stifle his laugh because when her smile turns smug their heads fall and they slump over to their desks to start work. Her hair is curling over her shoulders and she is wearing her white shirt that he loves, it reminds him of the way she looked the first morning she woke up in his bed, and skin tight black jeans that make her look like a tower of strength, he can't see her shoes from here but he saw them in the elevator, sky high and dangerous. She really is the epitome of perfection and he hopes that this ending is at least close to perfect, she deserves perfect and he wants to at least get close.

He types out the message and hovers over the send button because this is important, the words are important because their entire relationship comes down to words, she gives him words and he gives them back. She is so extraordinary that he has to share her with the world and he has endless words to describe her worth. The words are important and he is hovering over the send button because it is not just his words but her words too. She thinks she isn't so good with words, but she is, she is. She has this beautiful way of seeing the world and she takes everything in and then gives it back to him in the same light. She said he saved her with his words, she saves him with hers too she just doesn't see it. He is hesitating now because he wrote this ending so long ago and he thought it would be perfect, he thought it would, but now he isn't so sure how perfect this will be because she gives him the most beautiful words, she always gives him beautiful words and now he is going to give her this. He is just going to give her some not so beautiful words. He looks out at her again and she is so striking, so precious and now he is thinking that she deserves different words, she deserves something more beautiful in this moment. He deletes the letters one by one but then he puts them all back again because this _is_ beautiful. It is idiotic and immature and not at all a lovely thought or way to start this ending but it is beautiful, to him and to her it will be beautiful because it is so typically them and that is beautiful in its own right. He puts all the letters back because it's perfect. It will be perfect for her and for him and that is all that matters because this is so them. He said the words to her during their first few days together and usually he doesn't remember his own words, he usually only remembers hers but he remembers these ones because he remembers the way she was pretending to be highly unamused by him, even back then she knew the rules to this game they play and she played so well. He said the words to her years ago when he was still an annoying idiot and it's perfect because that is exactly how they are. They are who they have always been, they haven't changed each other, they haven't taken anything away from each other; they have just made each other a better version of who they would have been alone. They were two broken people, who grew better together, but essentially he is still an annoying idiot and she is still playing a good game and he thinks she will remember and it will be perfect. She plays by the rules of this game they created and so she will remember and she will follow the memory and the story and the love and she will come to him. It'll be perfect. He hits send.

Her phones buzzes somewhere under her stack of paperwork and she scrambles around to catch it. She swipes her thumb over the screen and his words shine up at her:

_It used to taste like a monkey peed in battery acid, remember?_

A harsh little laugh escapes unbidden and she puts her hand over her mouth like she can stop the sound that already broke free. He is watching her through the blinds and her eyes are a little brighter now, they are shining with amusement and she throws her head around to make sure no one else caught her laugh before she puts her hand back in her lap and then she shakes her head at her phone.

She is shaking her head because who thinks of a description like that, really, what kind of person thinks of something like that? He was an annoying immature idiot back then, he is an annoying immature idiot now and of course she remembers. He reminds her every morning when she wakes up that he is an annoying immature idiot. She is smiling though, she can't help but smile at his words because he has changed in so many ways and then he hasn't changed at all. She is pathetically in love with an annoying immature idiot who thinks about monkeys peeing in battery acid. She shakes her head and laughs. She reads over the message again and then she gets it, she sees the last word for what it is and she looks around, glances into the break room before standing up. She looks over at the boys but they have their heads down and maybe they don't know about this because Castle isn't even in New York and they probably just told him that they set the machine up. She goes to the break room then because he isn't here so she figures he can't waste too much of her time and she really does need a coffee right now.

He ducks his head just as she is turning towards the break room and when she stands to make her way over he knows that she remembered, she got the memory and now she is following the story and the love. He sprints away and squashes himself behind the cupboard to wait.

He hears the door open and the distinctive fall of her heels as she makes her way over to the new machine. He knows when she sees it; he hears the sharp inhale of a breath that doesn't get pushed back out again. He slowly creeps out from his hiding space and knows that she won't hear him now; she is lost in their story and their love now, so she won't hear him. He is standing behind her and watching the way she traces her finger over each letter that's engraved along the front of the machine.

She sees the beautiful words he has left for her here and she is amazed again at the things he does, the way he loves her and how he manages to put it into such simple and beautiful words. She is dumbfounded by how he has turned something that started as a monkey peeing in battery acid into these beautiful words that she is now printing into her skin,

_From Rick who asked her to promise him always. For Kate who said yes. _

She is running through her memory then, running through every line of their story and trying to find out where the words fit in. His voice breaks through the haze though, it is loud and steady and deeper than she has ever heard it.

"Please just make it true Kate. Will you promise me always?"

She startles and whips around, her eyes are wide and her hair is lifted and spinning through the air behind her. She spins around and her body starts trembling when she finds him right behind her, down on one knee and holding out a stunning diamond ring.

She drops to her knees in front of him then because she wants them to be equal in this like they always are. She drops to her knees and she grabs his face in both her hands. She pulls him to her and kisses him deeply, feels both their silent tears drip down and twist together into a salty mix that runs between their joined lips. She pulls back, leaves only a breath of space between them before she whispers "Yes, Castle, yes, I promise you, Rick… always" against his lips before dipping back in and kissing him reverently.

He pulls back and slips the elegant ring onto her finger with shaking hands. They hold each other's gaze for a moment before she throws her arms around his neck and he tugs her body into his. They find themselves there, on their knees. They anchor themselves to each other in the middle of a police precinct where she officially gave him her always. There is an applauding crowd outside the break room window and Ryan and Esposito are out there shaking everyone's hands and accepting the officer's congratulations on behalf of their work mum and dad. Rick and Kate can't hear anything outside of the way their bodies breathe together.

He wrote this ending before the beginning except it doesn't feel so much like an ending any more, it's not an ending at all. It's the beginning of always. She said yes.

* * *

So that's all there is my little lovelies.

This is where I wanted to end up and I am so grateful that I had a few followers who joined me on this journey.

It was my first attempt at giving you guys some of my words and if you have any to give back then drop me a review.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my words and I have had a lot of fun with all of you.

Thank you and much love to all you beautiful people.

x


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